Thanks to Dr. Dyer, Louise Hay, and others
Feb 21st, 2008 by spaceagesage
I am going through a big change in my life at this sage age of 48, and you are invited to take the journey with me via this blog.
Until now, I led a life of pushing myself by sheer will power; by driving myself with the urgings of perfectionism and my family’s culture of “Failure is not an option;” and by giving 110 percent in very people-pleasing ways.
Now I am embracing the Let Go and Let God concept, laying down my once ever-present need to “covet control” over people, situations, and life. Instead, I am learning to live in the moment, to accept I am good because I am a child of God, and to release long-held angers and resentments from having given of myself “out of duty” for so long.
I am truly the caterpillar changing into a butterfly. My past mindset and perceptions of reality are almost diametrically opposed to the current direction I am headed:
- In the past, it was better to be right than to be kind. Now I seek to be kind rather than right.
- In the past, I felt the world was a place of adversity and scarcity where I needed to scrape by on my own wits. Now I realize God will only allow right action to take place in my life at all times and his Holy Spirit guides in what Wayne Dyer calls the Source of Intention.
- I used to disapprove of myself and could never find comfort or fulfillment in accolades, ranks attained, or successes. Now I know “There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way” – Dyer.
- I used to look to others to fill the gaping hole of neediness for attention from authority figures that stemmed from Father Loss – my dad died when I was in grade school. Now I look for worthiness inside and in my connection to God.
- I used to have a tough as nails exterior and the ability to hide in a crowd (also stemming from Father Loss and the need to protect myself from emotional harm). Now I realize those old ways are like hiding a light under a basket and that God gave me a divine nature — complete with a set of desires, passions and skills — that I am yearning to stretch into fulfilling.
I find that letting go of striving and of being a control freak is not easy, because I am so steeped in a culture that blames others instead of taking personal responsibility.
I have just dealt with a hostile relationship and still find my mind wanting to lash out in anger at the person. My new understanding is that no one can make us angry, but it is our thoughts that create the anger.
Let me explain:
One of my three brothers could called me a name, I could brush it off, since I have a certain flexible relationship with him based on history; whereas, if a stranger called me the same name, my past self would have lashed out angrily.
Why would I cut my brother some slack, but not the stranger? Simply a difference of thought processes.
If I see the stranger as needing comeuppance, I might want to get even or return the nastiness. If I see the stranger as a person who is having a bad day, who was never loved as a child, or who could use someone in their life who is willing to not return his angry energy, but just smile genuinely, the whole emotional reaction changes.
The thoughts make the emotion.
Another example:
My mother lives with my husband and me, and her mild senility sometimes taxes me because I resent that my brothers don’t help out in her caretaking.
In the old days, I would feel justified for feeling this way. Why should my husband and I carry the whole load?
But if I change my thoughts as Dyer says, I can change my life.
So by stepping back and seeing my mom as part of God’s plan to develop wisdom, maturity, patience, and perseverance in my husband and me, I can see things differently. I can watch the sense of duty and the accompanying resentment toward my brothers fade as I embrace the flow of life as it is now, realizing only right action is taking place in my life at all times — no exceptions.
Or as the Bible says, “…all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28, )
I still find that the old ways pop up out of habit, and the new ways of thinking require daily reminders.
Part of me wants to play out scenarios in which I put the hostile person in their place. But what I really want is to release that whole negative energy dynamic between us by letting go of the conflict, by letting go of my need to be right, and by letting go of a part of me that seems to like getting a kick out of the emotional rush of conflict.
Part of me wants to get frustrated at my mother telling me the same story for the fifth time, and part of me wants to get angry enough to push my brothers in to making time for her. But what I really want is to fill my family relationship with love, tender heartedness, kindness, and joy. What I really want is to see my mom as a the wonderful, loving being she is, no matter how her memory works or her childish nature reveals itself in senility.
I am new to this journey. It is a huge change in perception and understanding. As most of you probably know already, change has a way of challenging the body, mind, and soul.
I welcome you to my journey…