Finding the defining
Mar 17th, 2008 by spaceagesage
“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.”
Dr. Wayne Dyer
I picked this quote for my post because it speaks to what I call “coveting control over others.” I grew up in a family culture where everyone learned to relate to the world very much like an industrial engineer. An IE analyzes and evaluates methods and systems of production and finds ways to improve them. In other words, I learned to assess people, their situations, their lives, and know in my own mind how they could do better.
Some folks learn knitting from Granny, baking from Mom, sailing from Sis, and self defense from big brother, but I learned how to see faults and how to fix them.
Nice, huh?
Actually, when I learned to turn this into a helpful skill — turned a weakness into a strength — I found I could write better because I could see what might be in the mind of my audience and try to write more clearly for them. I found I could also teach the martial arts more clearly because I could see where a student was missing the boat and help them understand how to overcome a difficulty faster.
The downside of growing up like an IE came in the form of more easily slipping into judgment and of wanting to push my “better” viewpoint onto others. Nothing like a little unsolicited advice to make someone’s day, eh?
Recently, I realized I don’t need to go there anymore. I don’t need to “covet control” over a situation or to tell a person what to do or to even worry about it. Oh, yeah, the urge is still there, but it is lessening as I let go and let God, as I let a person’s inner anchor guide them, and as I let the world work itself out all by its lonesome. Dyer sees it as allowing a person’s nature to unfold on its own. I see it as knowing that I don’t need to meddle, even if just in my own mind.
I can be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, but I don’t have to be The Fixer. If someone wants my advice, I can ask some questions to help them find the answer themselves, but I really don’t owe anyone my opinion.
Sure, I look around and think, “Man, if this person could just see that…” but I’ve realized from trying to be The Fixer over the years that a person will see what they need to see, when they need to see it, and not before.
Getting back to the quote by Dyer, I realized I had defined myself as a one who needs to define others. Instead of seeing people that way, I look forward to seeing the beauty of their souls, the magnificence of their spirit, the power of their dreams, the passion of their hearts, and the creativity of their minds.
Gee, you put it into words. I have been the fixer too, at least that’s how I feel. Maybe more of the peacemaker. I have only just recently become disgusted with my actions regarding conflict. I see an argument or something along those lines and I have to fix it, I NEED to step in and help, somehow. The need is what disgusts me. That I feel I have to do it, instead of letting others work through their own problems… Fun stuff.