Defensiveness can be poisonous to all!
Mar 27th, 2008 by spaceagesage
I skimmed this book awhile back — Radical Collaboration by James Tamm and Ronald Luyet — and found some great quotes I would like to share. I have been bitten by the defensiveness bug myself and have worked with people under its influence as well. I find that these insights give a whole new understanding to the concept:
- “Defensiveness is a poison pill to good relationships. In conflict, defensiveness is like blood in the water to a shark. A little here, a little there, and in no time the situation has degenerated into a feeding frenzy.”
- “Defensiveness is always based on fear.”
- “Defensiveness does not defend us from others. It arises to protect from experiencing our own uncomfortable feelings. The prescription for dealing with your own defensiveness is to let yourself experience those feelings. Do not avoid them.”
- “Defensiveness provides only temporary relief. It’s like covering dog poop with whipped cream. It may look good and smell better for a short time, but it doesn’t deal with the underlying issue or clean up the mess.”
- “Defensiveness distorts our reality, causing us to spend more energy on self-preservation that on problem solving.”
- “The difference between a small annoyance and a button is like the difference between Teflon and Velcro. It is slips off you like Teflon, it is not a button getting pushed. If, however, the incident sticks in your throat, heart or gut like Velcro, then you’ve probably got some unresolved fears or pain that is a button waiting to be triggered.”
ALSO:
The authors of this book say that when buttons get pushed, people typically get dumber, rather than smarter: “By our informal calculations, there is about a twenty-point drop in IQ.”
I can personally … ahem … vouch for that estimate.