People pleasing craziness
Apr 8th, 2008 by spaceagesage
My last post mentioned the emotional drain that perfectionism can have on a person. Another aspect of my perfectionism is people pleasing – the tendency to make decisions in order to never rock the boat in a relationship.
Some of the crazy-making irrational beliefs that stem from people pleasing are listed at coping.org:
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I must be liked by everyone.
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I must do nothing to upset others.
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I must work harder to make things better for others.
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I must be careful in my decision making so as not to upset anyone.
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I can never do enough to please them.
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I am responsible for other peoples’ happiness.
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How they respond to me is important.
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The harder I work for them, the more they will appreciate me.
- If someone doesn’t accept me, it must be that I’m not “good enough” to be accepted.
I learned a lot about setting boundaries on these kinds of thoughts by reading Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They write, ” Making decisions based on others’ approval or on guilt breeds resentment … We have been so trained by others on what we ‘should’ do that we think we are being loving when we do things out of compulsion. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking personal responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.”
One source of people pleasing tendencies can come from upbringing. Even today, I still find myself seeking approval from a father who died when I was in elementary school. Part of me wants to “be helpful,” or “give of myself too much,” or “go an unhealthy extra mile,” in order to please that symbolic parent inside my head and heart. I am getting better at sensing this neediness and working through it in healthy ways, but I look forward to embracing a life where my giving and selflessness come from a genuine heart instead of feeling like they come from manipulated compulsion.
Assertiveness is not what you do, it’s who you are!
~ Cal Le Mon ~
Well said. The more I think about it I realize that I have started to change. When I made the decision about dad, I cut that emotional tie that had me keeping the peace. That was one of the biggest steps I have made towards improving self esteem and putting myself and my children ahead of family drama. What a difference that has made. I owe you a big ‘thank you’, it would have taken me a lot longer to get here without your guidance and wisdom. Thanks. 🙂
doesitcomewithgravy — You’re welcome. Yes, you have made major steps! Those actions will help you keep moving, too, because you have awoken and are now aware of where you have been and where you want to go!
Thank you as always … Vicki
OMG. It is genetic! However you didn’t mention chocolate
cravings. Thanks for leading the way with your searches
and sharing them.
Vicki — Thanks for reading!
Auntie M — Me lead?! I’m just lighting up the path a little … *smile*