Those who control
Apr 15th, 2008 by spaceagesage
Have you ever felt someone trying to control you? It’s not fun, is it? I find that either a battle begins between two egos or compliance comes reluctantly or resentfully. Either way, I feel like it is just so much unnecessary stress for both parties.
Control freaks are actually undisciplined themselves, because their need to control is like an addiction. They need others to carry what should be their own load of responsibilities. They focus on getting others to do their work.
For example, back when I was in my control freak stage of life, I might try to get my husband to do something by pushing a button I knew he had or by playing on his sympathy. I hated to talk on the phone for some reason — and it is still not my favorite thing to do — so I would have my husband do all the talking over the phone to businesses, friends and family — including my own family.
In their book Boundaries, Henry Cloud and John Townsend describe two types of controllers: Aggressive Controllers and Manipulative Controllers. Of the aggressive types, they write, “These people clearly don’t listen to other’s boundaries. They run over other people’s fences like a tank … It’s as if they live in a world of yes. There’s no place for someone else’s no.” Of the manipulative types, they note, “Less honest than the aggressive controllers, manipulators try to persuade people out of their boundaries. They talk others into yes. They indirectly manipulate circumstances to get their way. They seduce others into carrying their burdens. They use guilt messages.”
POCKET-THOUGHT:
Controllers, either aggressive or manipulative ones, push their agendas into our lives as if they own us in some way or as if we owe them something. Cloud and Townsend talk about setting up boundaries to say No to them and make them feel the responsibility shift back to them. Even with the knowledge of how to do that from reading their book, I have found this is not always easy to do. It requires an inner strength not all of us can muster in the face of a controller. Controllers live to control, so it is tough — but not impossible — to go up against such experts at what they do.
How do you deal with controllers in your life?
my dad was an agressive controller. i was a teenager and i hated that. so i declared WAR. i refused talking to him, refused his money, the facility whatever. i spent most of my days on the streets for 3 years. then he gave up, i never knew how. he let me do whatever i want and be whoever i am since then. now i am married, but each month he’s still sending me money though he knows exactly that i’m financially safe. maybe he wants to pay for the 3 years… Tee-hee…
Jo — You certainly set a strong boundary with him, but I hope you were safe during that time of WAR! I know people do change, but I have to gauge for myself if it is deep change or not. I have found you can’t change others, though, you can only change yourself.
No. He’s the one who set the wrong boundaries first for being such a nasty controller. But that’s over. We’re fine now. And yes sure I was SAFE during the war. I got loyal and strong army, that is ME.