SpaceAgeSage

As I mentioned in the last post, when people push our buttons by disrespecting us or belittling us, and we flash to white-hot anger, it is probably because some sticky, unresolved issue lies right under that button. And most likely, we don’t even know the button pushers and the buried issues are controlling us and making us miserable.

So how do we free ourselves from the buttons?

According to James Tamm and Ronald Luyet authors of Radical Collaboration, there are two methods to manage your buttons: “1) Gain self-awareness about why you have the button, or 2) Try to get the rest of the world to always avoid pushing your buttons.” They then add (and rather sarcastically, I thought), “Guess which method works best!”

To gain awareness and thus uncover the wiring behind my buttons, I have tried their three-step method, and it has worked for me. This is not to say that I didn’t have to set boundaries with those people who push buttons as in # 2 above. I just decided I wanted to dismantle the buttons to avoid any additional stress in my life:

Step One: Remember back to a time when a button got pushed. Describe the situation, the facts, and any feelings:

When I was once told, in so many words, that my ideas for an event were stupid and “this is not how it is done here.” I was angry that the new ideas were so quickly tabled because of these fallacious arguments: “This is the way we have always done it and this is the way we will always do it,” or “I am the undisputed expert, so your words have no value here.” The conversation was dismissive at best.

Step Two: Go back over the incident and look at what you are telling yourself about what the other person was thinking:

I grew angry thinking that these people are purposefully belittling me because they deemed me “too inexperienced” to know what I was talking about and wanted to maintain their control over any and all decisions. I felt that despite years of service, I was not deemed good enough to really have their ear.

Step Three: Look deep into any roots of fear or vulnerability that were triggered by either step one or step two:

Tamm and Lyet write of this crucial step: “Usually it will involve the mirror image of the story you have made up about what the other person thinks of you. It may trigger strong reaction in you when someone else thinks you may be insignificant or incompetent or unlikable if you fear it is true … Hint: Usually it is a fear of experiencing uncomfortable feelings and/or the pain of some self-judgment.”

I realized the anger at being belittled stemmed from having three older brothers make fun of me growing up. Those early years are still with me in some ways, making me feel inadequate. I also felt unsure how to fully express my self on how the event could be so much better. Perhaps my own insecurities showed up more than I thought, making my ideas seem less valuable to them. Although I don’t like how it all went down, I can see now that much of the emotion of the moment came really from inside me. The other people were only the triggers.

POCKET-THOUGHT:
Most of the wiring that makes our buttons work hide buried within us, so it takes effort to discover them. Because my buttons come from a place of pain or vulnerability, it is very important to have compassion for myself in the process, instead of beating myself over the head with more belittling. It is a matter of unbending intention and commitment that takes me beyond the discomfort of dealing with the issue and into a healthier, happier self.

What is required for effective change is continuity of sincere effort to release and let go of inefficient thought patterns from the past… Sincerity means a deeper heart commitment to the task.

~ Doc Childre ~

Tags: button pushing, defensive, defensiveness, finding sagehood, grudge