The secret I’ve found to healthier lives and relationships
Jun 13th, 2008 by spaceagesage
So many times we wish we had said things differently, we regret volunteering so much time, or we find ourselves doing things we know won’t work out. Other times, we wish people would treat us differently, we hope someone will stop using us, or we think that our relationships could be better.
So much wishing, but so little information on how to make it come true! It’s like there is a secret to happiness that we just aren’t told about in school or from parents.
This may come as a surprise, but most of life’s problems can be addressed with the power of boundary setting. Having poor boundary setting skills are also ways we hold ourselves back as mention in a previous post. Many of us think we know what boundary setting is, but we don’t. Boundaries aren’t just the amount of personal space we like to have or our list of what we will or will not do. No, boundaries are far deeper, more powerful, and more meaningful than we have been led to believe.
We all have a distinct, individual, and personal soul/spirit/self/psyche/personality that is ours and ours alone. Our boundaries show us where our self ends and another person’s begins. Within our boundaries, we can say, “This is mine and that is yours.”
If we do not have healthy boundaries, then trouble erupts, because we either overstep into another person’s life invasively or we give our control to others. When this happens, we make the mistake of saying “Yours is mine” or “Mine is yours.” For example:
- We carry the burdens and responsibilities of others (or we expect them to carry ours).
“I have another report due and you don’t, so here do this one for me, OK?” - We weaken others by not allowing them to learn life’s lessons (or we try to get others to reap what we have sown).
“Sure Little Johnny is 24, but needs me to protect him from the world. I can’t kick him out. He isn’t strong.” - We shift blame away from ourselves (or too readily take it from others).
“She made me do it.” - We think we need the approval of others based on “should thinking.”
“I should go clean up my house or my in-laws will be forever gossiping about my housekeeping.” - We fear the responses of others.
“If I do it my way, he will rake me over the coals.” - We refuse to think for ourselves (or try to think for others).
“My pastor says it’s, true, so it must be true.” - We allow our base desires to override our dreams.
“I know this affair is wrong and will ruin me, but I can’t help myself.” - We fail to understand love is about giving and receiving in healthy ways, not about being a doormat.
“I know he hits me now and again, but he does it because he loves me.” - We limit our ability to make choices.
“I want to take that new job, but Daddy said this job was good enough for him and his daddy, so it should be good enough for me.”
A proper education in boundary setting helps a person avoid the kind of thinking outlined above.
- For example, in the office situation, a person with strong boundaries would not fall for the slacker’s guilt inducements and might reply, “You know, I get paid to do my job, not yours, too. Perhaps you might want to look at your organizational skills? I know of a great book that can help you …” When users can’t use you anymore, they move on or grow up.
- Or if a boss, team leader, organizational president pushes your boundaries of time, asking for more than agreed upon, you might say “When I first started, I agreed to 10 hours a week. The workload you want me to do will take 20. Decide the 10 hours of work you need done the most, and I’ll get on that, but only that. If the other 10 hours of work is urgent, you will have to get someone else to do it.”
- In the parenting situation, a parent who is learning better boundary setting skills would realize how emotionally sabotaging it is to tell an adult child directly or indirectly that he is so incapable or deficient that he still needs his parent’s to hold his adult hand through life. Being a in perpetual child mode does not allow a person to grow through mistakes and failures.
- In the last example, people with strong boundaries would be able to decide apart from “Daddy’s thinking” because they would be their own person.
Boundaries apply to our own hearts and minds as well as to the intrusions of others, helping us gain self-control and develop strength of personality. Sometimes boundaries are too strong, and we hide behind them or won’t allow others to help. The subject is huge because it covers human relationships and self-mastery, so I plan to cover more on the topic of boundary setting in future posts.
The best relationship is the one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
~ Unknown ~