Boundary setting isn’t selfishness, but sanity
Jun 15th, 2008 by spaceagesage
By taking ownership and responsibility for our lives and allowing others to do the same, we set healthy boundaries around our minds, our time, our finances, our energy, our emotions, etc. It seems simple, but there is a misunderstanding that often gets in the way of setting boundaries, so we end up trying to control others or letting them interfere too much in our own lives. It is like having a gate that doesn’t latch properly in our inner landscape. In a co-dependent relationship for example, one person wants to fix or control another person who has immaturely or ignorantly created difficulties from which they seemingly need to be rescued. Co-dependent behavior includes:
- Changing who you are to please others
- A need to do more than your share, all of the time
- Feeling responsible for meeting other people’s needs at the expense of your own
- A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize your efforts
- An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
- Confusing love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
- A compelling need to control others
Feeling responsible for meeting other people’s needs may seem honorable and noble, but there is a difference between lending a person a hand and doing the work for them.
In their book Boundaries, authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend list several boundary-setting myths that prevent people from understanding and applying them. Here is the first myth:
Myth #1: If I set boundaries, I’m being selfish
In this section of their book, Cloud and Townsend write about one woman who felt she needed to give and love without concern for herself:
Teresa was voicing one of the main objections to boundary setting for Christians: a deep-seated fear of being self-centered, interested in one’s own concerns and not those of others … So don’t boundaries turn us from other-centeredness to self-centeredness? The answer is no. Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others. People with highly developed limits are the most caring people on earth.
Let’s take two examples:
1) If a mom keeps bailing her capable, but immature 20-year-old kids out of their financial problems, she is not allowing them to “reap what they sow.” Her “love” – which is really pity and a way to keep her kids close — stops them from learning the fiscally responsible lessons the rest of us adults must learn. Setting boundaries on how much she will help them will force them to understand money and how to use it wisely.
Next time the kids ask for money, the mom could say, “You are all adults now. It is time to take responsibility for your own choices regarding money. Yes, you may lose your car, apartment, and be out on the street, but that should motivate you even more to tackle your own financial matters.”
Remember, confronting an irresponsible person is not painful to him, only consequences are. ~ Cloud and Townsend
2) If one person in a relationship always gives in to the demands, anger, shouting, or controlling behaviors of the other person, then a cycle is set up. What seems like “love and patience” is actually creating a destructive behavior in the relationship. Setting boundaries on behavior will check the decline and make each person more aware and responsible.
Next time the shouting begins, the person setting boundaries can say, “You can continue your yelling if that is what you want to do, but I will not stay in this room and listen.”
People who set limits exhibit self-control and show responsibility for themselves. ~ Cloud and Townsend
Selfishness focuses us on our own desires and wishes. Healthy boundaries help us all shoulder the mature and responsible loads of our life without trying to catch a free ride on the coattails of others or without carrying the loads of those who need to learn to carry their own loads.
How many loads are you carrying?
Photo credit: speech path girl
Great post. Thanks
Interestingly, I often see patients with “autoimmune” disorders – illnesses where the body’s defences attack the body itself, or, at least, go into overdrive and produce excessive reactions (allergies for example) – almost always, such patients have problems with boundaries!
Your question at the end there reminded me of one of my most favourite Raymond Carver short stories – “Elephant” – if you’ve never read it, then I DO recommend it
The short story sounds interesting. I’ll see if I can’t find a copy somewhere to read. Thanks.
My allergies are the best they’ve been in years, so I guess the boundary setting is working for me! My husband used to be allergic to cats, certain foods, and certain smoke and exhaust fumes, but he, too, has found balance in boundaries, so most of those allergies are gone. We’ve had two cats for seven years now! Thanks for your comment!