SpaceAgeSage

Healthy boundary setting empowers us and sets us free from relationship entanglements that don’t work. They give us self-control and an empowering sense of personal responsibility. Unfortunately, emotional baggage can keep us from setting boundaries, especially when it comes to giving.

This is another in a series of posts on boundary setting. In their book Boundaries, authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend list several boundary-setting myths that prevent people from understanding and applying them. Here is a second myth :

Myth #2 — Boundaries are a sign of disobedience

According to Cloud and Townsend:

Many Christians fear that setting and keeping limits signals rebellion or disobedience. In religious circles you’ll often hear statements such as, “Your unwillingness to go along with our program shows an unresponsive heart.” Because of this myth, countless individuals remain trapped in endless activities of no genuine spiritual and emotional value.

It’s not only Christians who find themselves in this trap. Volunteers, those who give excessively, and people who find they can’t say no may also end up here. When our cheerfulness about giving starts to fade and is replaced by reluctance or a sense of compulsion, then we need to evaluate our hearts.

We all want to lend a hand when we can. Giving and kindness are powerful forces that create community, networks, and betterment. However, according to the authors, when we give out of a sense of guilt or shame or compulsion, or when we give when we really want to say no, we are not being true to our hearts and are, in essence, lying via hypocrisy.

• When we force ourselves to help because we want to feel like we are “giving people,” aren’t we just acting out of ego?
• When we want others to see our “giving and helpful” nature, but we hide our resentments, aren’t we living a falsehood?
• When we do things out of compulsion to please others, especially authority figures we don’t want to anger, aren’t we just acting out of fear?
• When we agree to help someone, and put on a smile and do it anyway, aren’t we negating the true power giving?

Think of it this way: What if we could see the energy surrounding us when we are truly giving people, ones who give with cheerfulness? I can imagine that it would be a shining glow radiating outward, flowing to the recipients who, in turn, want to let it flow outward from themselves. I can see this “giving energy” powered by heartfelt love, genuine generosity, and abundant kindness.

Now imagine the energy surrounding us when we give reluctantly out of duty, fear, shame, compulsion, or ego. Is it the same? And if we reap what we sow, then which energy do we want to be sowing?

As an aside, I am not saying that all giving out of duty is bad. On the contrary, in our relationships with our families, friends, and co-workers, we must often give of ourselves out of a common good. Soldiers don’t want to have to give their lives, but that call to duty may be required of them. Society runs on the good will and sacrifice of citizens who may not want to pay taxes, but still do so.

We are all given this one life to live. It many ways it is like a garden we are to keep healthy. If we neglect our garden, give away all our produce, or water our garden with deep, burning resentments, we can’t live to the fullness we want.

So how do we give with cheerful, abundant energy?

We can set boundaries so we “sow” wisely and with love. For example, I caretake my mom who has Alzheimer’s. I could give all day long to make her life better, but I need to take time for myself. If I burn out, I can’t be there for her as much.

You get the best out of others when you give the best of yourself.
~ Harvey S. Firestone ~

To give with a positive energy inside and out, we can also:

• Listen to our hearts more, and learn to say no when our heart says no
• Find our heart’s desire and strength, and give from there
• Make a plan for giving and helping, so we can maximize our generosity
• Give spontaneously as we feel moved to do so
• Find inventive and unique ways to give that move us creatively
• Give secretly
• Give by helping others to connect so they can give to one another
• Be a catalyst for giving so we spark others to give
• When we see others giving, offer our appreciation or a helping hand

How do you keep up your giving spirit?

Photo credit:  speech path girl

Tags: boundaries, Cloud and Townsend, finding sagehood, healthy boundaries, saying no