Five keys to a better marriage
Jun 20th, 2008 by spaceagesage
Marriage is the supportive and uplifting bond between two lives, two hearts, and two egos. I have found, though, that egos don’t always like to bond. Control, maybe; get attention, perhaps; but bond in a way that uplifts? Not always. After 14 years, my husband Greg and I have found a few ways to deal with ego. Here are five ways to bring honor and love into a marriage:
1) Desire to honor one another
When Greg has an idea, I may not agree with it, but I try not to cut his legs out from under him about it. For example, he may decide on a purchase that I see as unnecessary or unwise. It is better to say, “I am curious as to why we need this right now. How does it fit into our budget?” rather than, “What were you thinking! We can’t afford that right now! Are you insane?!”
2) Never disrespect each other, especially in public
Men or women who drag up the couple’s dirty laundry or past — even if played for the humor of it — show disrespect that tears down a relationship. What’s respectful, supportive, or nurturing about a cutting or critical remark? Greg and I may disagree in public or at home, but we refuse to resort to slams, put-downs, or anything that belittles the other.
3) Use humor and quirkiness to bond
Greg and I love science fiction. Star Trek, Star Wars, Babylon 5, Battlestar Galactica, etc. There are lines in those shows and movies that we share as shortcuts to instant understanding. For example when we feel put upon by others, we might imitate the self-pitying character Zathras from Bablyon 5 who had this line, “”Yes, yes, Zathras is used to being beast of burden to other people’s needs. Very sad life. Probably have very sad death, but at least there is symmetry.”
4) Commit to something that will last a lifetime
When we married, our invitations and wedding program had these words from Jesus, who was referring to his relationship with his heavenly father, “May they be one as we are one.” These words are living and powerful to us. I’m not talking co-dependency or unhealthy boundaries, but rather a soul-mate and kindred-spirit sharing of two lives dedicated to supporting each other to find their potential. My husband says that he would like to be able to have these words on his gravestone: “I helped my wife be all she could be.”
5) Seek to give unconditional love
We both brought unresolved emotional baggage, unhealed wounds, and bad habits into our marriage. The tendency to flash into old anger, to withdraw, or to run and hide behind humor can be tough ruts to leave. We try anyway. We read, learn, grow, and stretch toward the goal of showing unconditional love. We don’t always do very well, but the good thing is that along the way, we learn more about compassion, forgiveness, grace, mercy, determination, courage, and patience.
Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.
~ Barnett R. Brickner ~
Photo credit: speech path girl
These are very convincing. Personally, marriage scares me a lot. Oh wait, divorce scares me a lot. I really have that feeling that it will always follow the marriage. It’s different nowadays.
Christine — Marriage is certainly not easy, and divorce is such powerful rejection, but a good marriage helps both spouses grow, learn, and explore life in ways they just can’t do alone. Try to release yourself from the fear and sense of fate about divorce and embrace the wonderful possibilities of spending your life with someone who will love you in ways no one else can.
[…] Five keys to a better marriage Star Trek, Star Wars, Babylon 5, Battlestar Galactica, etc. There are lines in those shows and movies that we share as shortcuts to instant understanding. For example when we feel put upon by others, we might imitate the self-pitying … […]
After 10 years of marriage, I can agree with so much of what you wrote. Although Colt and I are far from perfect, we have made it through some very rough and rocky times just realizing that communication is so important. When I go to weddings and they pass around the little advice jar, my advice is the same. ‘Communicate. No matter how stupid, silly or selfish it may sound, tell your spouse what you think, feel and want. There is no substitute for true communication.’
I hope at least one of those couples uses that advice. Marriage is a hard thing nowadays. Divorce can be such an easy way out of a (hopefully) well thought, well planned decision.
To many more years of being married to our best friends. 🙂
Melie — You got it! Communication is key, as long as it doesn’t involve too much venting — the kind that usually pulls the relationship down — unless that kind of communication is mutually agreed upon as a safety valve to “let it all go” for that a particular moment. Then it can be healing.
Yes, to many more years of crazy-in-love-sharing of life with our best friends, a.k.a. husbands!