Creating change is like peeling layers off an onion. Yeah, it can make you cry, too.
Jun 24th, 2008 by spaceagesage
Anyone who has tried to break an old habit knows that change is not easy. What’s really tough is that we often hold ourselves back by how we define ourselves, which in turn, create motivation and momentum killers in the form of excuses. Sometimes doing Inner Work on those things that hold us back is like peeling the layers of an onion off one at a time. We think we have truly made progress — and we have — but then another layer, with a different facet or angle on the problem, arises.
This is the follow-up to the previous Avoid These 14 Momentum and Motivation Killers post found here.
Much of my life, I defined myself as socially inept. As I grew older, I mastered the ability to not be seen in a crowd so I wouldn’t have to face my social deficits. Eventually this behavior pattern failed. It didn’t fail in effectiveness, but in being worthwhile. I can mask my emotions, fears, and doubts fairly well, but I don’t want to anymore. Even though I can lead organizations, speak on stage to large groups, and teach classes well, I want to address the root cause of my oversensitivity and fears so I can become a gracious conversationalist and an easy-going friend.
I’m slowly overcoming the problem, but along the way I have discovered many onion layers, excuses, or ways I define myself that hold me back:
- I think of myself as a potentially great hermit. I think I could even handle solitary confinement.
This “hermit” definition keeps me from pushing the envelope in relationships.
- I recall crying a lot when my three older brothers made fun of me.
This “wounded child” definition makes it easier for me to remain overly sensitive.
- I was made fun of when I wore my emotions on my sleeve.
This “You must be tougher” way of defining my myself makes it easy to bury my feelings and wear a smile on my face rather than let down my barriers and really relating to people.
- I went through the deaths of my sister, father, and grandfather around age six.
This “don’t love anyone or they will die” way of defining interactions makes it easy to keep people at a distance.
- I had a couple pivotal school experiences that belittled, mocked, or embarrassed me in public.
This “loser” definition makes it easier to lower expectations for myself.
To overcome these negative definitions of myself and my world, my self help books, personal development research, and ancient wisdom readings tell me the following are some of the keys to changing:
- See it (Recognize the limiting personality drain)
- Get tired enough of it to let it go (Hit your bottom)
- Embrace a better vision of yourself (Set a new goal of personal growth)
- Identify with specificity areas of needed change (Set up a plan of action)
- Become that new person (See the move as inevitable and move toward it with unbending will)
- Realize any slowdowns are part of the process (The only true failure is quitting)
- Understand life is a journey (Persistence and resilience are the by-product of change)
IF IT WAS JUST THAT THAT EASY — BUT IT’S NOT.
I finally did arrive at the place in my life where I can see all these onion layers, but I still balk at stepping out of my comfort zone where all my coping mechanisms have supposedly kept me from emotional pain. So why can’t I get past step two in the list for the area of relationships? Because this onion or unresolved emotional issue is the most critical to defining me as a whole person. It is the Mother of All Issues for me. Overcoming,
resolving, and going beyond this one means I will not be who I am now. Part of me must die to make this happen. At least, that’s what my current self fears, so it hampers me from creating a better vision of myself (step three) by telling me it can’t be done.
I’ve stopped listening to the external voices that told me I was not living up to their expectations. Now I just have stop thinking with small wings and learn to silence the internal voices that don’t want to “hatch:”
“The hens they all cackle, the roosters all beg, But I will not hatch, I will not hatch. For I hear all the talk of pollution and war, As the people all shout and the airplane roar, So I’m staying in here where it’s safe and it’s warm, And I WILL NOT HATCH!” ~Shel Silverstein
Photo credit: speech path girl
