Three keys to becoming a better person
May 20th, 2008 by spaceagesage
As a housekeeper in the resort town of Aspen, Colorado, in the 1980s, I witnessed how the well-to-do and the mega-rich act away from their friends and fans. I found they deal with the same family, life, and personal issues we all do. One big difference between each of them, however, was whether or not insecurity ruled them.
The ones who still lived with insecurity, despite the fame, fortune or fans, found it hard to be gracious or funny with the housekeeping staff. The less secure people made it clear they did not think I was equal to them on any level. One couple stood on the December sidewalks of Aspen for a long time despite their lack of proper winter dress because they couldn’t bring themselves to ask me for directions.
The ones who impressed me always seemed relaxed and genuine, being very comfortable in their own skin. Jimmy Buffett lived up to his songs by treating me like a person, not a maid. I also marveled at his skill with family dealings. Despite being a stranger, Robert Wagner tracked me down in the grocery store as the only other customer to ask me conspiritorially, “Do you know where they hide the capers?” He just radiated fun-loving energy.
Insecurity runs deep in many people, even the ones who act like they have it all together or who you would think should have it all together, like generals, presidents, or martial arts masters. Self-doubt, limiting thoughts, and thinking like a victim can keep us down for a lifetime or for a day, but since they are but thoughts, we can change them.
Three keys to overcome insecurity (or make any personal change) are:
1) Getting in tune with the heart
Denial has its place, but certainly not as an effective tool for change! Making ourselves too busy to see inside ourselves might keep our minds active and productive, but it won’t help us listen to our heart. Claiming that we’ll get to it tomorrow may seem comforting, but waiting just means more barriers to self-understanding may be built instead.
Living out of tune with your heart is like being a puppy with no energy, and an eagle without wings, and a cheetah without its speed. The puppy could still bark, the eagle could forage on the forest floor, and the cheetah could find carrion to eat, but would they really be all that their name calls them to be?
2) Being able to observe oneself objectively
“Stop taking yourself so seriously,” or “Stop being such a drama queen.” If you have heard those words, you may have trouble looking at yourself objectively. If you say to yourself, “Oh, I couldn’t possibly do that …” or “I’m just too (fill in the blank) to make that happen,” you are also not seeing your real self. Self-observation, however, is critical to change because we have to recognize our areas of needed growth before we can tackle them.
If the mind’s eye can’t see the better person we want to be, it is like blinding ourselves to the fulfillment of our talents, wishes, dreams, and goals. We might live an OK life, but we would miss the grand adventure of reaching our full potential.
3) Connecting the dots between the whys of what we do
If we know what is in our hearts and we know what we need to change, the rest should be easy, yes? That’s what I thought, too, but then I discovered my family and my genetics had presented me with wounds, issues, and limiting thoughts all buried deep within me. I had no idea my personality was wired a certain way or that it came wired with certain booby traps until I tried to change. I had to take into consideration not only the landscape of my inner self, but also why my landscape had way too many thorny roses, cactus, and yucci plants growing in there.
If we don’t know understand how we are wired, trying to change can be like asking a plumber to fix a computer. Something will get done, but it will take a lot longer.
When all three keys — awareness from the heart, self-observation, and self-understanding — work fluidly, change can be more rapid than we can imagine. Self-help author Louise Hay says “The power is in the now.” This moment can be the moment you decide to take steps toward greater and more fulfilling personal change.
“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.”
~ Alan Cohen ~
As usual, very insightful and thought provoking. I have a feeling I will come back to this one in a few days to read it again…
You cleaned Jimmy Buffett’s house? I never knew that.
On a side note, I will never forget those few days I spent with you, cleaning houses and earning money. I am figuring some things out about myself one is that I felt very lost, even in our large family. I didn’t know where I belonged. But during that period of time with you I felt like I was being treated as an adult, and for some reason it meant a lot to me. Thanks.
I still make my bed that way, I have ever since.
Jimmy Buffett took a week-long rental of a private home I was cleaning regularly, so I that’s when I met him.
I’m glad you have fond memories of those times. I always hated being treated like a kid because I had enough of it from my three older brothers. Being lost in the family was a natural thing because we kept so much of our family relationships superficial. It has taken me a long time to come out of that dysfunction. You are starting on it much earlier so, never fear, you will find your inner strength and compass soon!