Insecurity and lack of confidence rooted in the past
Jul 2nd, 2008 by spaceagesage
If you are plagued by anxiety, often feel vulnerable, and lack confidence, then you know what it is to be insecure. Some people walk around life as shy, sensitive wall flowers because of it. Others mask their insecurity behind bullying, manipulative, or controlling personality types. A few bury it under busyness by becoming workaholics or run from it by refusing to engage more fully in life.
My shyness and insecurities developed from having a bipolar, alcoholic dad and having three rowdy brothers who liked to pick on their baby sister. My self-doubts and fears worsened after the separate deaths of my only sister (the firstborn sibling), father, and grandfather during second and third grade. Add to that a mother who refused to acknowledge problems, sadness, or anger, and who never allowed us kids to resolve conflicts.
I don’t remember a lot of detail about my childhood, but I do remember crying a lot. I was so overly sensitive by age 6, you could look at me funny and I would break down in tears. My brothers knew I hated the feel of grasshopper’s barbed legs, so they tied a fake, fishing grasshopper to my door knob to keep me in my room so I wouldn’t bother them. It’s a wonder the neighbors didn’t call the police for all the wailing I did about that.
This is the second in a series of posts on Overcoming Insecurity. The first installment, Insecurity — the Killer of a More Abundant Life, is located here.
Insecurity develops from a number of life situations. All of them give us a deep, inner message that rules our lives:..
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1) Adversity
- Major tragedy — deaths in the family
- Major failure — lose the big game
- Major illness — spend months in traction
Message: Life is painful..
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2) Lack of stability
- Unpredictable environment – alcoholic or abusive parents
- Chaotic parenting – narcissistic or self absorbed parents
- Disasters – Katrina Hurricane victims
- Frequent moving – Military brats always starting at a new school
Message: I start to get some roots and a sense of how things work, and it’s all ripped from me again.
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3) Unable to be yourself
- Unrealistic expectations – parents expecting kids to be more adult-like than they are
- Extreme religious or cultural rules — kids expected to be saint-like
- Forced comparisons – always being compared to the more favored sibling
- Burdened with guilt – one mistake is dredged up over and over again
Message: Why should I even try?.
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4) Lack of a healthy self image
- Poor body image – always being told you are too fat, too short, etc.
- Poor intelligence image – “You know girls can’t do math, so don’t worry about a C.”
- Poor emotional image – “You are such a crybaby.”
- Poor spiritual image – “You are like a little devil getting into trouble all the time!”
Message: I am not good enough, worthy enough, smart enough … to do what I want.
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5) Lack of support
- Adults too busy – mom and dad always appear too hurried about “important” matters
- Adults too distant – a favorite coach ridicules you in public
- Snobbish school cliques – a group you want to join doesn’t want you
- Parents ignorant – can’t teach you basic character development
- Ridicule – people around you make fun of your goals
Message: No one exists to support and encourage me. It is too hard to do this alone. I will just avoid people, risks, and confrontation.
Of this list of 20 life situations, which just hits some major causes of insecurity, I grew up with seven of them. Fortunately, my mom made up for those with extreme support and encouragement. She also took time to fill us all with a love of learning and books. My brother’s and I enjoyed pouring over all 16 volumes of The Golden Book Encyclopedia, filling our heads with the wonders of history, science, and notable people. Those 16 books took me on adventures through space and time that sent me into a rather adventurous adulthood. It’s odd, but on one hand I was extremely shy, introverted, and afraid of risks, but on the other hand, I pushed beyond insecurity to become a news reporter, volunteer firefighter, third degree black belt, senior martial arts instructor, and Emergency Medical Technician (EMT). At age 48, I am finally facing the last of my insecurities, and I’m ready to leave the weight of them behind. I mean, hey, I’m even blogging!
If you get to hang around small kids, you probably notice their boundless energy, their eagerness to explore, and their insatiable desire to experience life. That is our birthright – to be free, carefree, loving, giving, and to be so very much alive. Insecurity is the opposite of this. Somewhere along the way, one of those situations list above occurred and damped down our spirits, chained us to a heavy weight, and whipped us into fearing instead of embracing life. What can be learned can be unlearned!
In this post, we just covered some of the causes of insecurity. As we explore this subject further, know this: It takes determination to overcome insecurity, but it can be done in micro-steps so the insecurities are released slowly. People who are insecure are not defective, broken, or substandard. You can overcome insecurity.
More on the subject of insecurity in my upcoming posts.
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As a teenager I was so insecure. I was the type of guy that never fitted in because he never dared to choose. I was convinced I had absolutely no talent at all. For nothing. And that thought took away all my ambition too.
~ Johnny Depp ~
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.Photo credit: speech path girl
What a great post. Our insecurities are what hold us back from reaching towards what we really want. Isn’t it funny, though, how many of us just assume that we’re stuck surrendering to them? We can overcome our insecurities with intention and effort. Being secure is not something that happens to us, or something that we’re either blessed with or not. Becoming more confident is a choice that we make by taking action on doing the work that will enable us to grow more confident. Like anything else, it’s all in our power.
Susan,
Yes, how true that we often wade through molasses instead of taking wing. I like these Newtonion thoughts on the subject:
“An object at rest tends to stay at rest, an object in motion tends to stay in motion.”
“If no forces act on an object (or if all of the forces that do act cancel each other out), then the object will not:
speed up
slow down
change directions”
great post, really relevant to my goals at the moment.
cheers
crave
http://www.socialsupremacy.com
Crave —
Thanks! Best wishes with those goals!
Hi Lori,
It is so true how our own thoughts, memories, and reactions to those past experiences can act as a wall. We don’t see the light of success, even the smallest instance, so we continue to relate everything happening in the “now” to “what happened before.”
We have been taught that you “learn from your mistakes” but what they don’t teach us is HOW to learn from those mistakes. Don’t allow your past results to dictate your future actions or reactions. Unfortunately that wasn’t in the parenting handbook when I was growing up.
dean
Dean,
It seems the “how to of learning from mistakes” gets left out of the parenting handbook a lot. People, including parents, can only give what they know. I can’t expect my dad to have been less bi-polar, less alcoholic, or better able to relate to children. And so we children who make it to adulthood without this informations must decide for ourselves to change. It is incredibly satisfying when we finally get it.