Why insecurity is so tough to overcome
Jul 5th, 2008 by spaceagesage
Insecurity hampers our personal growth because it holds us back from moving forward, it prevents us from taking healthy risks, and it fills our lives with varying levels of apprehension, anguish, and anxiety.
And yes, it gets worse.
As if that wasn’t enough to deal with, insecurity also seems to have a life of its own. Unlike a broken leg that will heal or an allergy we might outgrow, our lack of confidence doesn’t get better with time. Nor is insecurity a growth you can surgically remove with a scalpel and be done with it.
~ This is the third in a series of articles on insecurity. In two previous articles, I discussed the nature of insecurity and its causes. ~
Insecurity is about how we view ourselves. In my last post, I discussed five causes of insecurity stemming from our past and the messages they leave us with for a lifetime:
- Adversity (family deaths, etc.)
Message: Life is painful. - Lack of stability
Message: I start to get some roots and a sense of how things work, and it’s all ripped from me again. - Unable to be yourself
Message: Why should I even try? - Lack of a healthy self image
Message: I am not good enough, worthy enough, smart enough … to do what I want. - Lack of support
Message: No one exists to support and encourage me. It is too hard to do this alone. I will just avoid people, risks, and confrontation.
When these messages become so ingrained that they fill our body, mind, and spirit with negativity, they control us, oftentimes subconsciously. We may be walking around with a mental sub-routine running in the background that controls our lives in ways we really don’t want. Even if we suddenly become aware of them, we must then face how much they have molded our hearts and minds into a heartset and mindset of insecurity.
For example:
- Fearing life is painful allows us to avoid the tough parts of personal growth.
- Fearing instability allows us to avoid taking healthy risks.
- Believing that trying is useless allows us to rationalize not making efforts.
- Having a bad self image allows us to avoid pushing for change.
- Fearing lack of support allows us to blame others.
Also:
- Being shy allows us to avoid emotional entanglements or heartbreak.
- Being a doormat allows us to side-step conflict or confrontation.
- Blaming our insecurity allows us to keep the status quo.
- Fearing risks allows us to stop taking actions that could change our lives.
In other words, there is VALUE to being insecure. We think – again, sometimes subconsciously; sometimes not — that it acts as a protective shield to keep our hearts and emotions safe. That is why it is so hard to get rid of — part of us does not want to get rid of it!
I know this is true because I have always had a problem developing deep relationships with friends. My main insecurity message stemmed from some early family deaths: “Don’t get too close to people because people die.” Over the years, I developed an extremely effective system of avoiding emotional entanglements. Even my family thought that I would never marry because they thought no man could overcome my fortress-like inner self. (They were wrong, and you can read about it here.)
Part of me still doesn’t want to open up, become vulnerable, and reach out to others. But I’ve become MOTIVATED! One of the keys to changing is conquering the desire to stay put. Motivation comes in many ways. I will write about this aspect of overcoming insecurity in an upcoming post.
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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
~ Marianne Williamson ~
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.Photo credit: speech path girl
Every person on the planet has an inherent and insatiable desire to feel safe and secure. And efforts to fill this desire shape the actions of individuals and the course of world events.
Jonathan,
How true. Even those who are adrenaline junkies, cutters, or thinking about suicide want to fill a hole in themselves or to stop the pain in their lives. What amazes me about humans is our ability to overcome much adversity and insecurity. Hope is still one of the most powerful things in the world.
Let the pain we feel sit as it is. Let it fill our body and allow it to open our heart. We have to accept there is no avoiding pain, it is how we deal with it that is important. Perception does play a role in how we may create pain for ourselves but nevertheless pain is part of living. We have to remember the part of ourselves (the observer) that sits quietly in the background, watching, non-judging with great strength, compassion and unconditional love. Being in touch with that part of ourselves allows us to hold the pain, not let it take over and control our mind and body. It is so easy to let the mind wander in to a spiral of negative thoughts and fears. This creates even more insecurity, a feeling of losing the plot. We are all held with love, just that at times of fear and disillusion we tend to not feel this love because we shut the heart down. We need to learn to love ourselves unconditionally, we are amazing creatures ! Whatever has happened in our lives that has created pain can be used to open us up in to a realisation of how wonderful we truely are !