SpaceAgeSage

How many times have you heard this phrase in movies or real life, “Just be yourself, and you will be OK”? Following such advice isn’t easy for people who suffer from insecurity. Their past may be filled with moments when “just being yourself” got them into trouble or was never allowed.

Lack of confidence doesn’t just pop up overnight. It is rooted in our past. I discussed five of these sources of our inner doubts here and how to overcome the first two of them in my last posts, Five Ways to Conquer Insecurity by Creating Stability and Seven Steps to Building Confidence with a New Worldview. This post covers how to deal with accepting yourself.

A common cause of low self esteem stems from not being accepted for who and what you are, especially when you were growing up. Others may have burdened you with unrealistic expectations by comparing you to others, by dumping guilt on you, or by offering only very conditional love. Such a life can create an inner message that says “I’m not worthy to be loved or accepted, so why try?” It can also create people pleasers who become co-dependent on others, always hoping to find that unconditional love they never received.

Learning to accept and love yourself for who and what you are is one of the most powerful, transformational, and fulfilling things you can do. Ten steps learning to “being yourself” include:

1. Learn more about what makes the human heart and mind tick
   Read self help books, not with the idea they will “cure” you, but as textbooks to understanding more about why we do what we do. It’s hard to change your inner mental and emotional workings without self knowledge, so studying the subject is a good idea.
   .
2. Take personality tests
   I love the Enneagram for uncovering what makes us see the world the way we do. The book The Wisdom of the Enneagram by authors Don Riso and Russ Hudson is the best overview I’ve found.
   .
3. Hang with people who are loving and caring
   Being with those who pull others down via gossip, blaming, or disrespectful slams doesn’t help build up you or your confidence.
   .
4. Analyze your inner dialogues
   We all have mental chatter going on inside our brains. What is yours saying about you and your world? Is it negative or helpful? Most insecure people have a defeatist inner voice that tells them — with all those voices from the past — that they are no good.
   .
5. Change your inner dialogues
   Ask God, the universe, Source, or whatever ultimate creating and spiritual force you believe in to help you move from negativity and personality-ripping pessimism about yourself to a place where you know you are loved and accepted. Set a goal or vision for yourself where you are fully loving and accepting of yourself. Push aside all the voices of the past or between your ears and begin to embrace a strong, positive new you.
   .
6. Take off the mask
   So much work, energy and emotion was wasted when I put on my mask or emotional armor that I finally said, “ENOUGH!” One of my brothers once bragged, “I have never regretted my silences.” Between the lines he was saying, “I am so scared of others and myself, that I shut up whenever emotional stress erupts to avoid getting hurt.” He had a debilitating stroke one week before his retirement. What a price to pay for wearing the mask. It’s a price I am working on right now to avoid.
   .
7. Realize perceptive people see you better than you see yourself
   I have relatives who put themselves down all the time out of insecurity. My husband grew up with voices from his home town telling him that they didn’t think he would amount to much. I never see my relatives or my husband this way. Beyond our superficial survival mechanisms of insecurity are incredibly creative, loving, generous, beautiful, kind, powerful, and amazing hearts and minds. We hide behind our insecurity because we believe that in the past no significant people valued us. Just because those people didn’t see our inner worth doesn’t mean we are doomed to live life under the falsehood of their words or actions. Let their perceptions go and free your heart!
   .
8. Notice your body’s tension and let it go
   Many of my insecure thoughts make my body tighten up. Sometimes my neck aches from stress, my stomach churns from worry, or my throat gets sore from not feeling strong enough to voice my real self to the world. I’ve even had laryngitis hit me when I let others’ opinions and force of will override my own common sense. Recently, feeling the tension rise and releasing it early has helped me become aware and overcome a lot of previously habitual stress responses, including feelings of insecurity. I let my shoulders drop into a relaxed position, breathe more deeply and fluidly, and focus my eyes on what’s in front of me. It’s amazing how less taxing life can be when you are relaxed!
   .
9. Read blogs on personal growth
   My top five blogs for inspiration, inner strengthening, and confidence building are:
   Zen Habits – warm, personable insights into motivation and personal change
   Goodlife Zen – personal growth “with a spiritual twist”
   Steve Pavlina’s Personal Development Blog – it’s all about personal development
   Dumb Little Man – Tips for Life — snippets that help make life work mo’ betta
   Liz Strauss at Successful Blog – a lot about blogging, but in the end she’s all about people and you can learn a lot from her interaction in the comment section.
   .
10. Take one positive and grow it
    Instead of letting your inner landscape become weed-filled with negatives, pick one good thing about yourself that you are proud of or that gives you satisfaction. For one month, “feed” that skill, talent, or aspect of yourself with positive action. If you like performing anonymous acts of kindness, do one a day for a month. If you like working with people, find ways to extend yourself into this area. I became a firefighter and EMT (Emergency Medical Technician) with the local volunteer fire department for a couple of years because I like to give back to my community. What classes, groups, and activities can you do for a month that will help “grow” a part of your real self into something even better? Pick something else the following month and slowly, but steadily re-landscape the inner you.

Action is the key word to overcoming insecurity and learning to “be yourself.” Staying in the rut of pessimism or cynicism never helped me one iota when it came to building confidence. Take a moment to look beyond your comfort zone … see that new you over there? Yeah, the one with head held high, confident smiles, engaging eye contact, gracious conversation, unique style, and a positive grip on the future? Turn the volume down on the old voices and power up this new imagery of who and what you are. From where I sit, this is the real you.

– – – –

“The feeling of being valuable – ‘I am a valuable person’- is essential to mental health and is a cornerstone of self-discipline.”
~ M. Scott Peck ~

“Remember, the entrance door to the sanctuary is inside you”.
~ Rumi –

– – – –

Photo credit: speech path girl

Tags: confidence, insecurity, personal development, personal growth, self improvement