A tale of two motivations
Mar 14th, 2008 by spaceagesage
In my last post, I wanted to put “should” out of my vocabulary. Unfortunately, the word itself is just the top part of the weed, and its roots run deep within the human psyche, to a place inside me where I choose to be either free or enslaved.
The words, “I have to,” “I need to”, “I should,” “I must,” “I ought to,” or anything similar, indicate that I am a slave to an external set of rules that tell me I am a good or bad person based on how I perform. I used to think many of these “shoulds” were just common sense boundaries or restraints, such as “I should start saving more money,” “I need to lose more weight for my health,” or “I really ought to not let myself get so upset.” I have recently realized should-thinking is actually an enslaving mental burden.
Is saving money a good idea? Yes. Is losing weight a good thing if it means better health? Yes. Is it better for health and relationships not to get overly upset at something? Yes. Because all these actions are valuable and worthy, wanting to do them is also seen as valuable and worthwhile. The problem arises when my motivation to do those things enters the picture. What is at the root of my wanting to do the right things?
Let me take this example: In my mother’s mind, cleaning up the house before company comes is like the 11th commandment from God. She will nearly kill herself scrubbing, mopping, and dusting. Just this week, my mom decided to precariously balance on too-small of a stool to clean inside the exhaust vent over the stove top. Her right knee has been swollen for weeks, but nothing would stand in the way of her I-must-ramrod-this-through version of cleaning. Because I grew up in the same family culture, I used to get uptight before company came in much the same way.
Is a clean house nice to have for company? Yes, but what was her motivation, what was my motivation? The impulse came from years of being told that you must busy yourself with cleaning before company comes or you will be deficient in your housekeeping skills and thus not live up to mommy’s and daddy’s standards. Inherent in such motivation is a negative, enslaving root of external motivation that says, “Do this or else…”
Instead of telling myself, “I must to clean my house before company comes,” I have shifted to thinking, “I like my house to be a certain level of clean, and I will keep it that way.” The first should-type statement comes with guilt and giving power to others in how I think. The second statement puts me in the driver’s seat of decision making and of being personally responsible for my life.
Instead of saying, “I should start saving more money (because everyone says it is the right thing to do),” I shift to, “Saving money will bring a great advantage to our finances. I choose to start saving.”
Instead of saying, “I should lose weight (because I am too fat, and I hate how others look at me),” I shift to, “I don’t like the way I feel at this weight. I know I will feel better with less weight slowing me down and taxing my system. I choose to reduce my portions to shed some pounds.”
Instead of saying, “I really ought not to let myself get so upset (because I am not being mature enough when I do that),” I shift to, “Getting upset doesn’t do a whole lot for me, my health, or my relationships, so I choose to work on developing my self into a person with a calmer spirit.”
The difference between the old way of thinking and the new shift is that the old way may seemed to have been my own thoughts, but those thoughts were actually dictated by an external source of rule-making (You better clean the house or it will get too messy to walk in) imposed by authority figures, a code of conduct, or a type of upbringing. The new thinking, the new shift comes from a realization that I have choices, and it is up to me to make them (I like a clean house, and I will take the time to make it so, but if I don’t, I’ll will live with the consequences without beating myself up about it).
The old way of thinking also trapped me into believing something must be done because the consequences of not doing them will be dire, thus letting fear, worry, or self-hatred enter the picture. The new way of thinking frees me to see the consequences of my actions without the emotional blackmail or baggage or bludgeoning, and it allows me to make an internally motivated decision from my own heart or with the loving counsel of others. In a nutshell, the old way allowed me to whine about the situation while powerlessly rattling my chains of perceived obligations; the new way empowers me to freely set my own options and make my own decisions.
I love it! I am a firm believer in the right to make my own choices and by doing so alter my experiences. great post!
Thanks!
Yes!
This is what would make anarchy work. 😉
You don’t need someone else leveraging your answers/movements.
You can make up your own mind to [do good/be clean/stay healthy/be consumer conscious/etc]
I love your new motivation, and I think it helps to keep other’s opinions in proper balance. [God/neighbors/parents]
wendikelly –Thanks for stopping by!
Seeker — mmmm…”balanced anarchy??”
Just came across the blog – very lucid and calm reflections. It’s well-written. Thanks for sharing
stubbornsurvivor66 — thanks for the feedback!
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You forgot the phrase “I’m supposed to…” That one used to be one of my self-talk killers. Along with the ‘shoulds’ and the ‘musts’. I can totally see eye-to-eye with you on this one; I’ve been there, and I still revisit from time to time!