Having more experience doesn’t equal wisdom
Sep 1st, 2008 by spaceagesage
Have you ever come across a boss, in-law, parent, older sibling, or co-worker who holds up their greater years of experience as the reason you should listen to them and do what they say?
- “I’ve been doing this for 40 years, so who are you to question me?”
- “I’ve raised three kids and done a good job, so take my advice about disciplining my grandchild …”
- “I’ve been down this road, and you don’t want to take it; believe me, I know.”
- “We’ve done it this way long before you came to work here, and we will be doing it long after.”
Sound familiar? I’m not saying brush off the wisdom of the more experienced, but I am saying experience does not always equal wisdom and that we may not want to be like these two mountain mahogany seeds, one so much like the other.
Here are just three reasons this is so:
The person could have been doing something wrong for years and never been corrected
Coming up through the ranks, I had a karate instructor who taught that the school’s first kata (a series of pre-arranged karate moves) began and ended in the same spot. I knew it could not, based on the steps and pattern of movement. He was a fourth degree black belt with over 25 years of teaching. I wasn’t even halfway to my black belt. After all those years, I was the first to question him on it. He refused to accept the truth until I finally put it all on graph paper and proved him wrong.
The person hides behind their claim as “expert”
Insecure bosses often hide behind the “years of experience” argument to compensate for lack of self-esteem. This way any argument can be squelched or rendered invalid with condescending or belittling comparisons between their time in the job and the subordinate’s time.
The person’s experience may be tied to his personality and mindset and not be valid for your personality and mindset
A tough, ramrod of a boss would tell his subordinates real life stories to support his contention than “this is the only way (this business) works.” On the surface, his examples seemed valid, but upon closer inspection, his stories of how people reacted to when he tried to change things applied only because of his personality. If a person with a less defensive and contentious personality had tried the changes, the interactions and reactions with customers and employees would have been more favorable.
How do you respond to people who are so insistent that advice based on their experience must be followed?
Here are two ideas, but I’d love to hear about other options and if you think these will work or not:
For a family member or friend — “I understand your have many years of experience at doing this. I know you want to save me from re-inventing the wheel or going through the same school of hard knocks by offering me your insights. You learned things by experiencing them, and now I want to do the same. Your philosophies, mindsets, and stories are unique because you lived through a lot of things. I wish to do the same. I will take your advice into consideration, but realize that I want to blaze my own trail, learn my own lessons, and grow wiser from trying things a bit differently than you.”
For a boss or mentor — “I understand this is your way of doing things and the way you have done them for years. They work for you. But I am not you. Our personalities, mindsets, and perspectives are sometimes radically different. I know your insights are hard-won and come from a lot of time in, and I respect that, but I ask that you respect that I’d like to be able to look back and say “I tried this and failed and learned a lot from it,” rather than “I never got the chance to try this idea.”
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Never accept the proposition that just because a solution satisfies a problem, that it must be the only solution. ~Raymond E. Feist
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– – – –Photo credit: speech path girl
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These posts may also interest you:
Those who control
‘He says he’ll kill anyone who comes between us …’
Healing the hammered heart
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I enjoyed the gist of this post. It is so telling of how one’s ego is in control; in the mistaken belief that experience equals more wisdom. Another good one is the belief that “I should know more because I have got more paper qualifications than you”. Having studied more does not mean anything if it is done by rote learning and with little deep analysis.
Hi SpaceAgeSage. I would simply say that “I like to keep an open mind, to be curious, and that I learn best through experience. Thanks for your support but I need to try this another way.”
I can understand this from the other side too. I’ve been pretty good at sharing my view of how things “should” be done and want to help too much sometimes. It’s hard to let go and let it happen, especially if you think someone is going to make a mistake or get hurt.
Hi, Evelyn —
It’s funny how much we look to “experts” when so much of what we need is within ourselves. I’ve trained karate students to black belt level, but my real expertise was in revealing their own power to them.
Hi, Davina –
I love your response “… I learn best through experience …” – excellent!
Yes, with the writing name of SpaceAgeSage, I realized early that I needed to stay away from “shoulding on” my readers.
I have learned to nod in agreement, then go ahead and do as I please. 🙂
I do think experience has some value, just not the huge value that the experienced place on it.
Hi, Vered —
Sometimes it is tough to follow your “nod and do anyway” method if a paycheck is on the line or the person is in some other position of power, but I hear ya about doing what the inner self demands instead of following others blindly.
This post made me chuckle. I work for the federal government, and I have lost count of the number of times I have heard “But we’ve always done it this way.” I have learned to ask what they like about doing it this way, then I offer up a new way of doing it, making sure I include their likes to help keep them in their comfort zone. Works like a charm.
Hi, Urban Panther —
Sweet! You are a genius!
SAS,
I love your two sample responses, but I don’t think I’ll be using them. To my husband, I usually will say “Don’t tell me what to do.” He knows me, and isn’t insulted by this response! 🙂 To others, I will think it, but take Vered’s approach, nod and then do what I want to do anyway.
I’m extremely non-confrontational in real life, and don’t think I’d be able to pull out such eloquent sentences you wrote as the experience is happening. Afterwards, I’d be saying to myself, “Why didn’t I say that!” but in the moment, doubtful I’d have my wits about me to say them.
I find that a lot of people with experience just simply want to share their experience because they think it’s helpful, but there are some that are belligerent about it too. For those who just want to share, I find it’s ok to simply listen, but for the belligerent, I like your approach.
I’m at the point where I’m essentially the patriarch of my family, so I hope I don’t become the belligerent tyrant!
HI Space Age Sage,
Experience does hold some value, but it also depends who it’s coming from. Like you said, age does not equate to wisdom as I’ve met many old individuals whose wisdom was skewed.
If I had a boss who wanted me to do something the way they had been doing it for years, I would probably say, “Have you thought of…,” or “Just food for thought”. If they’re the one who signs my paycheck, I would make sure I got the same end result they wanted, even if I tweaked their “way” a little.
Hi, Linda —
I agree it is a mouthful and a lot to remember. I hope readers adapt them as needed. Glad your hubby is an understanding guy!
Hi, Al —
I love those who want to share their experiences in a loving way or enriching way, unfortunately some are more controlling about it. I don’t think you will fit that category Al!
Hi, Barbara —
Sounds like a good plan. I wanted to write this post for those — especially younger – folks who might be at the mercy of a tyrannical boss and who grew up as people-pleasers to a fault. It is a tough place to be. Barbara, your words and the other comments should give them a good start on how to deal with it all.