Five things 15 years of marriage have taught me
Sep 6th, 2008 by spaceagesage
This week my husband and I celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. Greg and I have come a long way since those first, clueless days of early marriage. For much of that time, my mother has lived with us, first as a retired person living on too small of an income to be on her own and more recently as a stroke victim with lots of memory deficits.
Over the years Greg and I have learned a lot about what it takes to make a marriage work. I thought I’d share a few with you in this post:
1) Faith sustains us
Having faith in God gives us strength and a bonding, resilient spirit that holds us together as one. We don’t see our marriage separate from our spirituality — it is the glue that holds us together with supernatural love, kindness, patience, and creative problem solving.
2) Understanding the Languages of Love
People feel love and receive love differently. I get my warm, fuzzy love tank filled up with acts of service; Greg gets his filled with words of love accompanied by tactile affirmation — hugs and such. We suffered in our first two years of marriage because I was trying to love him my way and he was trying to love me his way.
3) Communication
Our first piece of marriage advice from friends was, “Communicate, communicate, communicate.” Easy to understand; hard to apply. I used communicate by venting my emotions on him. He used to clam up and say that things are fine. Finally we realized there is an art to respectfully communicating and that, just like the languages of love, there is a type of communication that each of us hears better. He needs to know if I’m venting and just need an ear, or if I want his input. I need to know if my advice is truly respectful and needed — or just control-freak pushy.
4) Respect
Respect often means honoring something about a person, but it is also a mindset. We both married knowing that we did not want to change the other person. We had no false idea that we could improve our spouse. We accept who and what we are and let God and life do the improving. This saves much wear and tear on us!
5) No first brick
We never let the first brick of a wall between us be placed. This is one of the biggest guidelines for our marriage. It doesn’t mean we shy away from healthy debate because we realize anger can’t be stuffed either. We acknowledge the emotion, process what it is really all about, and let it go.
6) Recognize family baggage
We all reach adulthood weighed down with irrational preconceived ideas, bad habits, limiting thoughts, unresolved issues, and unhealed inner wounds. Learning to recognize when “it’s the baggage talking” is important to conflict resolution.
7) Beware the distance
Greg and both worked hard to never put down a first brick in the wall, but becoming distant can also strain a marriage. We exercise, work, and reboot differently, often operating in completely different worlds. It would be easy to let the bonds fray and break. Finding the balance between what is us and what is our individual selves can be hard. It takes a awhile to recognize when a distance is developing and remembering to do something together to revitalize the bonds again.
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After 15 years, we realize we are finally getting it right, and we know we don’t want get too comfortable. We don’t like ruts. Adversity can be tough, but we know a sailboat won’t get very far without some good wind to push it along. I guess the biggest things we have learned – besides valuing each other’s uniqueness – is that we can always improve and that tomorrow is a new day for both of us and our marriage.
In marriage, each partner is to be an encourager rather than a critic, a forgiver rather than a collector of hurts, an enabler rather than a reformer. ~ H. Norman Wright and Gary J. Oliver ~
What relationship skills and words of wisdom have you picked up over the years?
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These posts may also interest you:
When expectations can hurt
Five keys to a better marriage
14 tips from a natural encourager
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Congratulations, Lori & Greg!
Excellent list, and all I would add is sharing a sense of humor as we navigate life’s ups and downs.
Something I read on a card once that has always stuck with me is that the 3 most important words in a marriage are . . . . “You’re right, Dear!”
Hi SpaceAgeSage,
Your list covers it wonderfully. I agree communication is VERY important, as is respect. Too often couples assume their partner knows what they’re thinking or feeling and that alone can lead to major problems.
We also have to understand our partner cannot fill every need we have. Keeping our relationships with our friends and family are also necessary.
Hi SpaceAgeSage,
These are great tips! I really like the idea about first bricks. I haven’t heard that description before, but that is a great approach to maintaining a relationship.
Hi SpaceAgeSage,
Congrats for making it to the 15th year mark! It is a celebration, is it not? I don’t get to read much happy news about relationships nowadays. Having clocked 15 years and being well together, you two sure have a wealth of good tips to share. I also like how you end off about “finally getting it right”. It shows that marriage is a commitment and a journey of working things out.
Best wishes,
Evelyn
Hi, Linda —
Thanks! Humor is a life saver, isn’t it? Our marriage has truly never been a dull moment.
Hi, Barbara —
I keep asking my husband why he can’t read my mind yet, but I guess that comes later … thankfully he does a better job of reading my heart.
Hi, Al —
Thanks Al. We learned about bricks by watching a couple firmly entrenched on either side of their own wall, and we made up our minds never to go there.
Hi, Evelyn —
Thanks! We get it right more often than not by letting go and letting God, using humor, trying to flow with the Tao about things, and realizing conflict is — at it’s core – about insecurity. By working on the insecurities, the conflict disappears.
Beautiful, beautiful post.
The Lion and I have only been together for 9 months, but we have 20+ experience of previous relationships to have finally figured out what works. And what works is this: “We never let the first brick of a wall between us be placed” I think the very first serious conversation we had between us was the importance to both of us of never letting the first brick be placed. I love the way you sum it up like this.
Hi, Urban Panther —
Thanks for your kind words. Greg and I married in our 30s — first time for both of us. Long, fun story there, but suffice it to say it was so miraculous we each found our soul mate that I had Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus play after the vows were given at our wedding.
It’s very true about distance. Ido and I are very different too. But there are lots of things that we love to do together, and we make sure that we do them.
We’ve been married for 16 years now. 🙂 (Yes, I married young).
Hi, Vered —
Congrats on 16 years! Greg and I love watching Sci Fi together and critiquing it. Quirky, geeky, but fun for us!
Congratulations on your wedding anniversary! 16 years is wonderful – here’s to the next 60 together!
All your (seven!!) points are so, so precious. I can certainly vouch for being aware when there is a distance happening… it does seem to just ‘happen’ as you both get very busy with your individual stuff. I feel that noticing it, and ensuring that we have regular, child-free times just the two of us helps to bring us back in sych before any damage is done. Thanks Lori!
um, whoops, I meant 15 years – sorry!
Hi, Karen —
Welcome and thanks for stopping by and commenting. Thank you for your feedback, too.
Some couples make time to have a Date Night all to themselves weekly or monthly, which can be helpful in dealing with the distancing.