Ramrod, doormat, or … ?
Sep 22nd, 2008 by spaceagesage
Many of us are uncomfortable setting boundaries and may be uncomfortable saying things like:
- “It’s not OK that you’re late constantly.”
- “It was really thoughtless of you to borrow that book of mine for your project and return it all beat up.”
- “I don’t want work calls at home unless it’s a real emergency.”
- “I don’t have half an hour every day to listen to you go on about the same old thing. Either fix it or stop talking to me about it.”
- “You know I don’t mind working overtime, but I do expect to be paid for it. I’ve left you a memo detailing my extra hours.”
- “Your work reflects my standards. I want every letter proofread before it leaves this office.”
- “I’m sure you think differently about this, but I’m sure you want your staff to hear all the alternatives.”*
If you’ve never faced someone who habitually drains your time, goodwill, patience, kindness, and helpfulness; you may think that these examples are harsh boundary setting techniques. Some of the words might even sound angry.
But, ask yourself this question: Where is the line between being a good human being and being a doormat?
As my readers know, I grew up as a people pleaser. Subconsciously I used to find ways to become indispensible to groups, organizations, or people, and work my tail off for the good of the group. I felt guilty when I wasn’t giving 100 percent or more.
When I started to wake up to the unhealthy co-dependency involved in such relationships, I suddenly found people angry at me for not fulfilling their expectations any more. I needed to change, but they did not want me to change. My gentler approaches were either unrecognized or minimized. It is in those times, tougher sounding measures like the examples above need to be used.
This quote is from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney:
The process of Recovery teaches us how to take down the walls and protect ourselves in healthy ways – by learning what healthy boundaries are, how to set them, and how to defend them. It teaches us to be discerning in our choices, to ask for what we need, and to be assertive and Loving in meeting our own needs. (Of course many of us have to first get used to the revolutionary idea that it is all right for us to have needs.)
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How do you handle boundary setting when others want to “own” a part of you? I’d like to hear your thoughts about this!
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* These boundary setting examples are from The Artist’s Way at Work by Mark Bryan, Julia Cameron and Catherine Allen
Photo credit: speech path girl
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Wow, I am so pleased to be reading this today.
I am not a good boundary setter with one person in my life who treats me badly, and its my stepmother. I love my dad, and somewhere between that and being afraid of confrontation, I have done this dance: She arrives at my family (Husband, and 2 children) functions and is rude, sulky, sullen, and bad mannered, then I retreat and moan and groan about her behaviour. I have phoned her and talked to her about her behaviour, which is apparently b/c I am close to my dad and b/c I have kids, thats why shes rude to me!
After my phone call not much changed. Recently after a family function where she runied the day (again!) I decided thats enough. I spoke to my father and said that I choose not to be around her anymore, I dont deserve it. Well, cut a long story short, now she wants to talk.
So, yes I totally get what you are talking about. If anyone is reading this and is afraid to do these things, dont be! Do it! The longer you leave things, the more time and energy you waste on them. Some people are bullies and need you to stand up and rightfully tell your truth. Do you know what, its not ok that you treat me like that!!!
Thank you so much for a great post!
I’ve often found it hard to say No. It used to be worse last time. Not really knowing what my values were did not help either. It’s true however, like how you’ve explained it. When I started putting up boundaries, I found that I was in for an unpleasant time. No one liked the fact that you are no longer so accommodating. But I decided to stay firm. Explaining what I am doing and how it is necessary for me to establish clear boundaries also managed to help ease any conflict.
I have definitely learned to set boundaries and have no problem saying no….EXCEPT where my young adult children are concerned. I still agree to things, get off the phone ticked off at myself, to have the Lion say “Why on earth did you agree to that?” Sigh. I am still dealing with the OMG if I say no to my children they won’t love me anymore malarky. I am trying to learn to say “I’ll get back to you on that one.” That gives me a bit of distance and a chance to discuss it with the Lion. TRYING to do this. Not quite successful yet.
Hi, Sara –
Thanks for taking the time to comment and welcome! Some people are conscious bullies and others have just learned that walking over people and being the squeaky wheel serves them well as a coping mechanism for insecurity. Either way, we have a lot to do with how we end up being treated.
Hi, Evelyn —
My husband and I once realized that just about song sung on the radio that we heard that day had to do with poor boundary setting skills. It is tough to overcome.
Hi, Urban Panther —
It’s funny, one of the toughest people I know, who has boundary setting skills that are almost too extreme, turns to goofy, people-pleasing butter around the kids. I can relate, I guess. I have cats, and they laugh and snicker at any boundary setting I try.
Ah, boundary setting. This is something I only recently learned. From you, actually. I was also a people pleaser, the doormat. But on occasion, I was the ramrod. Funny how the two can intertwine. I have started using this more and more in my life, not just with a crummy situation that was making me physically ill, but with my spouse and the rest of my family. What I find, is a sense of clarity. Like I am finally seeing straight. When I look back (I know it’s not always good to do so) I can’t help feel a little pity for my former self. Even if I still allow some people to walk all over me…
This is so right on! I’ve been dealing with this hand of cards for a long time and it never gets me anywhere except angry at myself. Because I’m conscious of it I swing back and forth; haven’t found the middle ground yet. I either say No too strongly or say Yes when I really mean No and then I feel like a phony. And that feels Yucky!
Hi, doesitcomewithgravy —
I don’t think I’ve ever pitied my earlier self … interesting. I’m glad I could be a catalyst for you in this area. Yes, I’ve been ramrod and doormat at the same, time, too, and it is odd. Clarity is a much more fun place to be!
Hi, Davina —
I, too, am working on finding the blessed center, instead of being a yo-yo, but I am getting better, and I don’t feel that yucky feeling quite so often. As long as you know the direction you need to go, you will get there!
Hi SpaceAgeSage – I read (somewhere), “We can’t be a doormat, unless we let ourselves be”. That has stuck with me and if I feel someone is trying to take advantage of me, I will either give them a polite, “No”, or “I’ll have to pass on that”. On the other hand, those around me know when I say I’ll so something, I do. (But that’s because I choose to do it).
Hi, Barbara —
Making choices is powerful stuff indeed. I’ve also heard “we teach people to treat us the way they do.” It took me a long while to realize my actions — conscious or subconscious — help created the dynamic of a relationship. It isn’t something our society teaches very well.
When I was raising my daughter my favorite quote was Dr. Benjamin Spock’s “cheerfully firm”. My daughter is an adult now, but I still use the phrase when I need to set boundaries and want to do it gracefully. It reminds me I can say no and still be friendly and loving.
I also remember a friend of mine being worried when she saw her 18-month-old cheerfully standing in his crib practicing saying no. He was happy as could be, saying it over and over with different inflections. I sometimes practice doing that myself when I’m alone and need to get prepared for a difficult interaction. 🙂
Hi, Jean Browman–Cheerful Monk —
Thanks for that phrase “cheerfully firm” — I like it! I can just see and hear that 18-month-old in my mind. It’s amazing the things that help us cope!