Criticism’s dark and light sides
Sep 24th, 2008 by spaceagesage
Having our work analyzed critically can be tough to take. I don’t even like the word criticism. It doesn’t matter if it is constructive criticism or destructive criticism, I would much prefer to use critique or evaluation. Why? Because criticism has an automatic wasp sting to it of condemnation, judgment, and belittling; but critique comes with a feeling of honest, helpful, and genuine appraisal.
One of the best explanations of criticism as a dynamic is found in the book The Artist’s Way at Work. The three authors give their take on the subject:
“Most of us hear accurate criticism with openness. Even if the criticism is pointed, we experience it as a healing scalpel, not a lance. When criticism is accurate, it relieves because it supports our desire to do well. The fact is that most people want to do a great job.
“Unfair criticism is indirect, unprincipled, and ambiguous; personal, negative, and derogatory. And criticism that addresses us as people rather than addresses us as potentially competent is toxic criticism.”
Now this is the meaty part:
“Toxic criticism creates toxic work environments – negative, backbiting, and backsliding – where honesty becomes harder and harder to come by. Expecting that confronting problems will only bring us pain and debasement, we defend rather than listen, lie rather than explore, deny rather than experience the situation. Eventually, our anger at ourselves for being inauthentic festers until we strike out in defiance or succumb to burnout. This dynamic can happen at any level in a company. Defiance creates resistance, and resistance to criticism creates stalemates. Stalemates create stagnation, which creates depression, which breeds despair. A despairing work environment is truly abysmal: counter productive, anti-creative, and all too common.”
Some ways to deal with criticism:
1) Be aware the body’s flight or fight response will may make you immediately defensive and seek justification. Let that go.
2) Realize we usually see other’s faults better than our own, so maybe there is truth or at least a lesson in it. Turn the negative into a positive.
3) Diffuse with listening patiently and saying, “How would you have done it differently?” or “How can I (we) improve this?”
4) When you have taken the other person’s words in, thought about them, and found them true and valuable — thank them.
5) When you have taken the other person’s words in, thought about them, and found them invalid, ask, “Can I give you my perspective here, so I can understand you better?”
What other ways have you found to take criticism or critiques with grace and poise?
Kare Anderson writes that what we praise and criticize reveals a lot about us, that criticism is a two-way mirror. She adds, “Praise indicates what they most like about themselves and criticism often shows what they least like or feel least competent about in themselves.”
Do you find Anderson’s statement true for you?
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Photo credit: speech path girl
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Hi SpaceAgeSage – I totally agree with Kare’s statement. I’ve also heard the saying, “When we point a finger at someone else, we have three (fingers) pointing back at us.”
Listening to ourselves or others talk often says more about us/them then we realize.
Hi, Barbara —
I think I agree with Kare, but part of me doesn’t want to, you know? I guess no one said authenticity was easy!
I think just using the word ‘critique’ instead of ‘criticism’ can evoke totally different responses. Unless, of course, you are like me. Before submitting my work to be critiqued by my writers group, I was terrified. Even to the point of thinking I would just quit the group if they didn’t like what I wrote. I discovered that in my mind the two words were the same thing. How wrong I was. now, after reading Writing Down the Bones, I relate the word ‘criticism’ to my inner critic. I call it my monster, and I have been fighting it for months now.
Hi, doesitcomewithgravy —
I’m glad you didn’t quit the writers group — it has helped you a lot. I understand the fight of which you speak, but at the same time I don’t want to give it that much power, so I try to release that part of me and embrace my right-brain, intuitive side a bit more.
My wife has had The Artist’s Way at Work sitting on a shelf for me for maybe five years. I pledge right now, I will read it within a year (I know that seems like a long time, but the length of time ensures that I will not break my promise).
I am more mindfully aware than ever not to criticize others. If I catch myself doing so, I stop whatever I am saying in mid-sentence and proceed to zap out that thought! Negative thoughts directed at others can also tell more about ourselves. They provide clues so that we can take the necessary steps for healing and repair work.
Hi, Writer Dad —
You won’t be disappointed! I’ve found it amazing.
Hi, Evelyn —
It takes a lot to be that mindful and stop in mid-sentence! Negative thoughts, doubts, anger — I think all of them reveal much about our inner landscape.
Excellent post. i wish this were true but the behavioral research shows our instinctual reaction is to survive/protect ourselves (flight or flight syndrome) so even if we mean well this is is not true in many situations: ““Most of us hear accurate criticism with openness. Even if the criticism is pointed, we experience it as a healing scalpel, not a lance.”
That is why I suggest that we forgive ourselves for that first, instinctual response AND practice ways to move from that reaction to the open listening that you advise. This takes ongoing constant practice.
One helpful method is, whenever you meet or re-meet someone look to the part of that person you most like and admire. Keep that specific trait uppermost in your mind (and heart) as the situation unfolds.
Then when (not if) conflict or irritation comes up in you,
Look to their positive intent, especially when they appear to have none – not just for them but for you. Feel, speak and act to that part of the person.
When speaking even “you” or “I” language is more separating.
Ask in ways like, “What would make it better for us right now?”
my mantra for many conflict situations: Don’t let somebody else determine your behavior.
When we bring out the best side in others they are most likely to see and support taht best side in us. Only then will we become happier and high-performing together. In this age of engagement, that capacity is vital to success at work and to savor our lives, but you knew that.
In a civilization when love is
gone we turn to justice and when
justice is gone we turn to power
and when power is gone we
turn to violence.
Opportunity is often inconvenient.
Remember the many
compartments of the heart,
the seed of what is
possible. So much of who
we are is defined by
the places we hold for each
other. For it is not our ingenuity
that sets us apart, but our
capacity for love, the
possibility our way will
be lit by grace. Our hearts
prisms, chiseling out the
colors of pure light.
http://www.movingfrommetowe.com/
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From SpaceAgeSage — Kare, sorry this is so late in being moderated. I just pulled it fro the spam catcher. I like this thought of yours a lot: “Don’t let somebody else determine your behavior.”
Hi SpaceAgeSage. Diffuse with listening — great! I also like the idea of evaluating rather than critiquing. Criticism is an ugly word, but not as scary as it used to be.
Hi, Davina —
I find it’s not as scary when you really know and value yourself.
Hi Lori,
I don’t have any suggestion on dealing with criticisms at the moment, but here’s something to think about.
Fear of criticism is a beacon for our insecurities.
You fear criticisms because secretly, you are not sure about it, either. When you are completely secure about something, you don’t worry about criticisms. And when you are secure, you take criticisms for what it is — constructive ones pointing out room for improvements, toxic ones being irrelevant.
If one fears criticisms, period, that means one must work on self confidence.
ari
Oh, and about Kare Anderson’s point — I think it’s true, but not so much in criticisms but mostly in how we judge others. We hate or dislike people (or their behaviors) that remind us of what we don’t like about ourselves. At least that’s what I notice with me.
I am a person who constantly sees room for improvement in anything and everything, so I don’t criticize out of spite or insecurity. I can criticize most things, as I can find good things to affirm in them at the same time.
ari
I try to keep my ego out of the way and stay curious and open to life. When I’m able to do that criticism is a great way to see how the other person looks at things. When I’m not able to do that I earn a lot more about myself and what I need to work on. Either way I win.
Hi, Ari —
I view insecurity as one of the biggest self-limiting aspects of our lives. That’s why I wrote a series of posts on it. Once overcome, life becomes so much more powerful and meaningful.
Hi, Jean Browman–Cheerful Monk,
I like the attitude! Turning a negative into a positive — no matter what — is a healthy way to handle a lot of things.