Lost childhood messages
Oct 2nd, 2008 by spaceagesage
Early childhood is filled with input from every direction. Like sponges, we soak up our experiences and take them into our hearts and minds. We embrace the world with open arms, never having a clue that all we intake may not be good for us.
In their book The Wisdom of the Enneagram — The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types, authors Don Riso and Russ Hudson explain the ancient system of self understanding, personality differences, and how to overcome inner barriers and issues. It is a cornerstone in my personal growth. I’ve been amazed at how accurate and insightful the Enneagram is.
Early in the book, the authors cover what they call Lost Childhood Messages.
While we receive many messages from childhood that limit us, there are also messages that every child needs to hear … The Lost Message, the message that has not been heard (even if it was sent), often becomes the central issue for the child and the core of his or her Basic Fear. Thus, for each {Enneagram} type, the adult personality structure does whatever it can to have others give us the Lost Message we never adequately received.
I’ve discovered the Lost Message for me has shaped many of the negatives in my life — my over-the-top perfectionism; my tendency in the past to succumb to strong, charismatic leadership; my fears of success and failure — they all stem from the message that my heart, mind, and soul yearned to hear and embrace, but never could until my 40s.
Here is the list of Lost Messages matched to the personality type:
Type One:…. “You are good.”
Type Two: …”“You are wanted.”
Type Three: .“You are loved for yourself.”
Type Four: …“You are seen for who you are.”
Type Five: ….“Your needs are not a problem.”
Type Six: … ..“You are safe.”
Type Seven:..“You will be taken care of.”
Type Eight: ..“You will not be betrayed.”
Type Nine: ...“Your presence matters.”
Although it may seem that all these messages are something we need to hear, each one is deeply connected to the essence of the corresponding personality type. If you know yourself well, one of these messages will resonate with you more than the others.
For example, being good, wanted, or seen for who I am is nice but not fundamentally meaningful to me. I also don’t want to be betrayed or have my presence disregarded, but I can deal with that. My needs and being taken care of don’t take up a lot of my daily existence. Knowing, however, that it is safe to be me, to speak my mind, to open up my heart — that is a message I could never input as a kid, and I became a striving, stressing perfectionist to try to cope with the deficit.
Thankfully, I’m aware of that Lost Message now and am working to hear it in every moment of my life.
How about you? Did one of these Lost Messages elude you as a child?
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NOTE: Want to know more about the Enneagram? Check out Evelyn Lim’s awesome post called “How Would You Cross the River?” at her Attraction Mind Map blog post here. She gives one of the best overviews of the Enneagram I’ve seen in awhile.
Photo credit: Dayo
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Hi SpaceAgeSage. For myself, Type 8, I think: “You will not be betrayed”. Being able to trust someone is high on my list. Type 5 is a biggie too: “Your needs are not a problem”. I have trouble asking for help and so there lies the connection.
Being able to safely speak your mind and open up your heart is a challenge. I’m glad you have become aware of your Lost Message! I’m guessing that your blog is helping you 🙂
Hmmmm….okay, well I went with my gut reaction and I got:
Type Two: …”“You are wanted.”
Type Nine: …“Your presence matters.”
Interestingly, in my first two relationships I didn’t get those messages..perpetuating a self belief that I don’t matter? In this one, I know I am wanted and that my presence matters. And I am completely at peace.
This is fascinating! Now you’ve got me thinking.
Hi Lori
The “You are wanted” one has been the biggy for me. I think I’ve largely worked through it now – but if I’m upset about something I might see quite quickly that feeling “I’m not wanted” is at the bottom of it (thankfully this doesn’t happen much now, but it used to run me.)
Hi Davina,
Trust issues also crop up with the lost “you are safe” message, so I can relate. Yes, the blog has allowed me to explore lots of who and what I am.
Hi Urban Panther,
I sought others to fill my lost message, like strong leaders, so I don’t think we perpetuate a negative self belief with these lost messages.
I noticed yesterday a great overview of the Enneagram that I think I will add as an update to my post. It includes a link to a test to determine Enneagram types.
Hi Robin,
Isn’t it great to move more and more beyond limiting thoughts like that?
Oh interesting, I just went and took the test. I am equally Type 1: I must be perfect and good to be happy and Type 8: I must be strong and in control to be happy. OMG, this totally stems from my childhood!!!!! Eeeeeekkkkk…..I am rushing off to therapy now!!!!!
Hi Lori: I came out as an 8 when I took the test that Evelyn suggested, and the message “You will not be betrayed” definitely resonates with me. It’s happened to me quite a few times that people who were supposed to be my friends were going behind my back acting against my best interests. I guess the lesson that I’ve learned from these experiences is that when you achieve something that others want for themselves, they tend to turn ugly. I think I’m going to repeat the phrase “You will not be betrayed” to myself a few times now 🙂
I’ve spent a lot of time studying the Enneagram. For a long time I had trouble deciding if I were a Nine or a Six, but I know now I’m a Six (the two are related). I love the method because it makes us aware of how differently people view the world. It’s a great help in understanding ourselves and others.
Thanks for the link love. I’m so glad that you wrote this piece on the Enneagram. I must confess that I’d like to learn more about it, and reading about The Lost Messages has also heightened my interest.
I’m definitely going to check out the book you mentioned. Problem is I’ve got a ton of books all in my wait list to be read. So I really appreciate you highlighting another interesting perspective offered by the Enneagram.
ok, so i’ve heard a buzzzzz about the enneagram stuff for a while now, and kind of ignored it for some reason. Methinks I’m going to check it out, thanks!
type score type behavior motivation:
8 -56 I must be strong and in control to be happy.
2 -49 I must be helpful and caring to be happy.
9 -49 I must be peaceful and easy to get along with to be happy.
7 -38 I must be high and entertained to be happy.
3 -31 I must be impressive and attractive to be happy.
1 -29 I must be perfect and good to be happy.
4 -24 I must avoid painful feelings to be happy.
5 -21 I must be knowledgable and independent to be happy.
6 -20 I must be secure and safe to be happy.
SO, it seems I’m an 8, with a 2/9 tied for second place. (I took the test twice, almost identical results both times.) HA. You know what’s funny, how about being an 8 (strong and in control) but having a 2/9 for second (helpful, caring, easy to get along with) – – – meaning, isnt it a contradiction of sorts? It fits, because in many situations I feel simultaneous opposites. Or near similar examples with opposit reactions. Whatever.
http://similarminds.com/advtest.html
Hi Urban Panther,
I love your humor! Let me know how the counseling goes. LOL
Hi Marelisa,
I like to put a positive spin on my affirmations, so maybe you can try, “All my relationships are harmonious” or something?
Hi Jean,
It took me a long time to figure out mine, too. No simple test did it for me. I took a long test and read over and over again about the two types I seemed to fit. Finally the book I mentioned above gave a description that made it clear.
Hi Evelyn,
Happy to send inquisitive folks to your post — it’s a good introduction to the subject. As for reading lists, I like my intuition to lead me to the right books at the right time.
Hi Daleth,
Try a few more test or perhaps you can get a copy of the book from someplace like your favorite store — E-bay? When I read the description for my type in the Hudson and Riso book, it was like someone had crawled around in my mind, figured me out, and put it down on paper. Fascinating stuff, because I’m both shy and bold, depending on the situation
Hi SpaceAgeSage – wow, I never head of enneagrams until today, and I came across two posts on it. I really like the idea of the Lost Message, but I’m not quite sure which enneagram type I fit into, even after some of the self tests. I think you just motivated me to add a new book on my “to read” list.
Hi Al,
You won’t be disappointed by the book and probably amazed. Hope you get a chance to dive into it soon.