Tears of the aged — do you hear them fall?
Oct 21st, 2008 by spaceagesage
My mom cried and cried this morning. Tears ran down her face onto the kitchen table, and a defeated slump crossed her back and shoulders.
On the surface, the emotional pain came from the cast on her arm for a fractured wrist, but the real pain was from feeling old, useless, worthless, feeble, and incapable. For my mom, if she can’t do all the things she wants to do, she believes she is somehow diminished. In her mind, if she can’t move like she wants, she is too old; if she can’t clean, she is useless; if she needs help from others, she is worthless; if her wrist is not healed right away, she is feeble; and if she can’t contribute the way she wants, she is incapable.
Today it all hit her with a huge jolt, and the tears flowed.
It would be better if family cared enough to call and keep her in the loop on their lives, but most don’t. She gets hardly any letters, no cards, no photos — unless someone shoots me an email for her.
Getting old is definitely not for sissies.
It forces you to face weakness in yourself, lack of love in others, and the realities of being perceived as a burden more than a productive member of society.
I hear so many wanting to help the poor, wanting to give young people encouragement, wanting to save the planet, wanting to get the vote out, wanting to contribute to the world in their own way, but what of their own families?
- Wouldn’t it be nice if old age was honored?
- Wouldn’t it be nice if the processes of diminished capacity from aging were seen as special time to give and care and learn about living life fully?
- Wouldn’t it be nice if kids learned from their grandparents that life isn’t just about your own little world.
- Wouldn’t it be nice if thousands of seniors didn’t wake up today knowing that they were alone in this world?
What a different world it would be.
Photo Credit: Bev Sykes
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Hi Lori: I’ve read that those who honor the elderly actually age better than those who think of them as somehow no longer contributing members of society. It’s western culture: there are other cultures in which the older you are, the more venerable.
Your post made me cry…
Thanks for sharing this well thought out and written post.
Let us not forget we are all in the process of aging.
Hi Marelisa,
“… there are other cultures in which the older you are, the more venerable.” — Wish it were so here!
Hi Kara,
Welcome! — and thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.
(I was crying when I wrote it.)
I’ve always respected wisdom…in high school Lao-Tzu was one of my heroes. It never ceases to amaze me that our culture doesn’t do that…instead it worships callow youth. No wonder people are so afraid of aging.
Tears shed by anyone that read that blog. How wonderful that she has you though and your understanding and the patience exhibited by you and G. Being almost 75 , (Lord, how is that real?) myself ,and being a fairly new widow, I can relate to the
loss and feeling needed and being lonely and so appreciate when attention does come around…but I also remember when my children required so much total presence on my part, that I was completely unaware of the needs of anyone outside my immediate space and responsibility. To this day, I regret the inattention and lack of loving respect shown by me and the assumption that all was well ( it always had been when we were all younger). So many good , loving and blessings being sent to all of you through the Universe, God or whatever Source that gives you comfort.
Hi Lori
My father died last year aged 87, and he had Alzheimer’s, and I visit my mother regularly. I don’t want to write about them on the internet, even though it’s not my blog, but let’s say I can relate to your feelings.
Hi Jean,
Fear of aging does seem to make so many run from it in themselves and others.
Hi Auntie M,
You are amazing. Thank you so much for your words of comfort. You have been through the wringer in life, that’s for sure, and I appreciate how you uplift others despite the school of hard knocks you attended.
Hi Robin,
Sorry to hear about your dad, Robin. I’m glad you get to visit your mom. I’m sure she values her time with you even more.
Hi Lori,
I commend you and your husband for the care you are giving your mom. It’s not easy. So many do, yet so many do not. Helping them find dignity is such a preious thing.
PS Give to a Senior Center in your area.
It’s unbelievably sad how the elderly are treated in Western culture. There’s simply no excuse. Old people have wisdom that youth can only wait for. My grandparents were amazing people, who lived long lives with grand stories to tell. I have no fear of getting older, because I believe that life will age like the finest of wines. Thanks, Lori.
Your post made me sad. I’ve fears about aging. Perhaps that is why I strive so hard to keep myself mentally active too. I don’t ever want to think that I’d ever become useless and worthless. I would like to grow in wisdom, grace and light, even while I grow old physically.
Hi Diane,
Thanks for the note of appreciation, and no it’s not easy, but it is ultimately rewarding.
Hi Writer Dad,
I’m so glad your grandparents gave you such an insight into aging!
I had two grandmothers who committed suicide — one early in life, one very late in life — not the best kind of message or heritage to leave a family, eh?
Hi Evelyn,
Lots of people don’t realize the lessons we leave as we grow older. My husband and I have learned a depth of love, patience, and humor that we could have never found if we didn’t care for my mom.
Hi Lori – I read this and my heart went out to your mom. I lost my mom years ago and I would give anything to have had the honor to care for her in her golden years. You’re a good daughter whose heart is in the right place. I’m guessing you learned a lot from your mom.
I hope she’s feeling better real soon.
Hi Barbara,
I’m sorry about your mom. Yes, my mom is better as of today. I have learned tons from her, both negative and positive. I don’t want to stuff my emotions like she has over the years, but I do want to be as tenderhearted.