Relationship (or leadership) is not about control
Dec 10th, 2008 by spaceagesage
I asked my husband last night about his take on the Christian idea that the man is the leader the marriage. I wanted to hear how he explained that relationship doesn’t flourish behind the prison bars of control.
He first noted that we will all stand alone before God during judgment, so we are all responsible for our own salvation and relationship with the Creator. (Humans really can’t blame anyone but themselves for their choices.) He then noted that in the New Testament, it says a husband should love his wife as Christ loved the church, even to the point of laying his life down for her.
For my husband, this type of leadership is not a matter of control as most some might define authoritarian leadership, but a matter of being there for me when I need him.
If anything, it is the opposite of control, rules, and “shoulds.”
For example, when I was enamored with project and its leader awhile back and found myself diving into the work involved with them, my husband supported me completely. After a few years of pouring out my blood, sweat, and tears, I realized the leader was The Perfect Narcissist — smooth-talking, quick-witted, charming, disarming, and adept at making others excuse his huge ego.
I learned much over those years, but in the end, I realized my personal growth intimidated the narcissist too much, and he eventually spent more time tearing me down subtlety and manipulatively rather than building me up.
My husband recognized the leader’s character flaws from the beginning, but stepped back to let me learn for myself. He didn’t really understand why then, but later we both realized my personality type was wired to seek out the tough father figure because my coldly authoritarian dad had died when I was still in elementary school.
I needed to grow beyond the father-loss induced neediness aching in my soul.
If my husband had forced his opinion of the guy on me and insisted I stop working with him, I would have waited years to grow in this area.
Similar life lessons would have popped up again and again because a relationship with God involves growing, changing, exploring, experiencing, and overcoming.
So my husband was there for me when I came home crying, angry, and frustrated with the narcissist, but he refused to make any decisions for me or even tell me if I should leave the situation or not. He let the experience run its course so I could reach the end of a huge life lesson and become stronger for it.
None of my husband’s actions were about authoritarian control, but rather giving up control while being supportive and offering encouragement. It is far easier exercise control than to exercise this kind of patience. Walking with a person through such life lessons takes real strength of will, character, and integrity.
(BIG NOTE: This expression of relationship and leadership came from my husband because we trust each other and our interactions with God. It is not easy knowing when to butt in or just be there for someone. There are times when an intervention-like wake-up call is necessary in someone’s life. It all depends on the situation and requires a great deal of wisdom, love, and authenticity.)
How do you respond to being related to or led with loving kindness and support rather than being verbally brow-beated,”shoulded,” or “guilted” into a different choice?
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“The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried.” ~ GK Chesterton
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Photo credit: speech path girl
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Oh boy. My last partner was the total brow beater, guilter, ‘if you don’t do it my way, you are a complete idiot’ type of person. A complete control freak. Interestingly, growing up his whole life revolved around the church. Fascinating that! The Lion is just like your Hubby. I have been struggling for a year with being depressed about work. He keeps hugging me, and telling me he supports whatever decision I make. And to his HUGE credit, he never said “Holy smokes, woman, stop complaining and make a decision!”
I have finally made a decision, and it involves a cut in pay. He just gave me another hug and said “Good for you, Sweetie”.
I think there are times in a marriage/relationship when the man is a leader and times when the woman is. I define leadership as rock solid strength and support. And yes, very much letting go of control.
Hi Urban Panther,
Aren’t your Lion and my husband wonderful? I’m glad the tough decision has been made by you, and best wishes wherever it takes you!
I’ve led as a leader and as a follower and “rock solid strength and support” sums it up well.
Hi Lori: I think that each partner in a relationship has certain strengths and “leads” when it comes to those areas. It’s interesting that you played out your need for a “tough father figure” with the Perfect Narcissist instead of marrying a tough father figure. A lot of people marry the person that they subconsciously feel is going to help them relive childhood issues so that they can do things right the second time around. Of course, that strategy usually fails. Your husband sounds like a wonderful person 🙂
Hi Lori – I love this story. It sounds like you’ve married your soul mate. I like how your husband gave you the space and support to make your own choices. Undoubtedly he was “watching” from a distance and had you gotten TOO close to “the flame”, he would have found a way to gently pull you back. I’m guessing you also give him the same amount of freedom and support his choices, as well.
My marriage is similar to yours, and we count our blessings daily.
Hi Lori,
I would never put up with being brow-beaten or guilted in a relationship. I’m way too independent, and had to find a husband who could give me my space as needed. Luckily he’s independent too, but supportive and kind.
I’m glad you learned from your Narcissist experience and I agree whole heartedly with this: “It is far easier exercise control than to exercise this kind of patience. Walking with a person through such life lessons takes real strength of will, character, and integrity.”
Your husband is a rare man and happy you found each other!
Hi Marelisa,
I could never have married the tough, coldly authoritarian type, although I agree that people tend to work parental issues with a mate. I was a second degree black belt when I met my husband. He needed to be far more secure than most men to marry me. It still amazes me how good we are for each other.
Hi Barbara,
We do give each other a wide, green place to grow, although he is better at it than I! After 15 years of marriage, I’m finally letting go of my control personality — another area he gave me room to grow.
Hi Linda,
My husband is indeed rare, and I’m blessed to be his wife. It wasn’t always so smooth between us in our early years and in a few tough times, but we’ve always tried to be supportive, honest, and respectful no matter what
I have been married to my wife for forty years now. Prior to marriage we knew each other for eight years. We enjoyed each others company and shared many values. We decided to get married to take it to a different level.
For the past seven years, my wife has been semi invalid following mulitiple cerebral and cardiac infarcts. I am her primary care giver. I had both my hip joints replaced in 1957 and 1987 and got them revised again in 2001. My wife was the primary care giver on the four occasions.
We have seen a lot of ups together as many downs. We are still happy together and one is certainly not superior or the other inferior. We have not had that kind of a relationship at all.
Such equations and relationships are possible and can be seen all over.
I would define our relationship as a successful joint leadership. Together we have run a successful home and family relationships besides bringing up a son who by any definition is a great human being.
Sorry, there is a typo in my comment. My first hip was replaced in 1985 and the second in 1987.
Hi Rummuser,
I’m glad you and your wife are there for each other and have grown through the adversity in your lives! I’m sure your son learned his character traits from you two!