Do you fake it to make it?
Jan 15th, 2009 by spaceagesage
A story from the teachings of Buddha that asks, “Who are you really?”
Once there lived a housewife named Vedehika who had a reputation for gentleness, modesty, and courtesy. She had a housemaid named Kali who was efficient and industrious and who managed her work well.
Then it occurred to Kali the housemaid, “My mistress has a very good reputation; I wonder whether she is good by nature, or is good because my work, being well-managed, makes her surroundings pleasant. What if I were to test my mistress?”
The following morning Kali got up late. Then Vedehika shouted at her maid, “Hey, Kali!”
“Yes, madam?”
“What makes you get up late?”
“Nothing in particular, madam.”
“Nothing in particular, eh, naughty maid, and you get up late?” And being angry and offended, she frowned.
Then it occurred to Kali, “Apparently, my mistress does have a temper inwardly, though she does not show it because my work is well-managed. What if I were to test her further?” Then she got up later again.
Thereupon Vedehika shouted at her maid, “Hey, Kali, why do you get up late?”
“No particular reason, madam.”
“No particular reason, eh, and you are up late?” she angrily hurled at her words of indignation, and she angrily took up the bolt of the door-bar and hit her on the head, cutting it.
Thereupon Kali, with cut head and blood trickling down, denounced her mistress before the neighbors, saying, “Madam, look at the work of the gentle lady. Madam, look at the action of the modest lady. Madam, look at the action of the quiet lady. Why must she get angry and offended because I got up late and hit me, her only maid, cutting me on the head?”
Thus the housewife lost her good reputation.
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It is easy to portray calm, humility, and civility when all is going our way, but when things around us start to fall apart, what do we reveal about ourselves?
My parents and grandparents taught, rather strongly, that we build character early and often so that we can withstand adversity without letting it beat us down. I grew up in a family culture based on these kinds of ideals:
- Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.
~Rabindranath Tagore - Kites rise highest against the wind-not with it.
~Sir Winston Churchill - March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life’s path.
~Kahlil Gibran
And yet, for all their teaching and training, I found my relatives often burying their emotions to keep up a sense of self-mastery that actually masked great insecurity. A stiff upper lip is fine to have in an emergency situation, but having one all the time creates too much stress. I realized the payment we make for masking when I witnessed heart attacks and strokes hit a number of family members.
Determined to not go down the same path, I’ve tried to balance tough-mindedness with tender heartedness, assertiveness with compassion, and inner strength with inner peace.
How do you handle adversity? And if you grew up like I did, how do you balance those “be tough” messages with the realities of everyday life?
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Photo credit: Brian Snelson
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For starters, I begin to sob hysterically.
Not really.
I find that when things are not going my way, I don’t have time to get angry. I’m too busy fixing the problem/deciding on a course of action.
Lori, I did not have a similar upbringing. Our household was more or less very casual.
I however was an adolescent when the society in which we were living was going through tumultuous times and I had to become a street smart toughie. I have been in such scrapes that I sometimes wonder how I came out alive.
So, being tough on the one hand, being a different kind of person at home and among neighbors was a balancing act that people of my generation in that particular community had to learn from life.
It was much later that maturity came along and exposure to various spiritual teachings brought about a change in my value system and philosophy of life. It took a while but today, I face adversity with the mantra “this too shall pass”
At my age, which is now 65 going 66, what is relevant is this –
“…..the opportunities to act properly, the potentialities to fulfill a meaning, are affected by the irreversibility of our lives. But also the potentialities alone are so affected. For as soon as we have used an opportunity and have actualized a potential meaning, we have done so once and for all. We have rescued it into the past, nothing is irretrievably lost, but rather, on the contrary, everything is irrevocably stored and treasured. To be sure, people tend to see only the stubble field of transitoriness but overlook and forget the full granaries of the past into which they brought the harvest of their lives: the deeds done, the loves loved, and last but not least, the sufferings they have gone through with courage and dignity.
From this one may see that there is no reason to pity old people. Instead, young people should envy them. It is true that the old have no opportunities, no possibilities in the future. But they have more than that. Instead of possibilities in the future, they have realities in the past – the potentialities that they have actualized, the meanings they have fulfilled, the values they have realized – and nothing and nobody can ever remove these assets from the past.”
Viktor E Frankl – Man’s Search for Meaning.
Kevin was only kidding about crying…I’m not. It’s a great way of eliminating stress hormones from our bodies. So when I’m exhausted and feel overwhelmed, I cry. My husband had trouble with that early in our marriage… he was taught that crying showed weakness or else the person crying was trying to manipulate the people around her. But he understands now…done correctly it’s a great way to restore emotional balance.
One of my proudest moments was when my daughter was mourning a loss when she was little. My husband got upset and said, “Don’t be a crybaby!” She answered, “It’s all right to cry! Mommy says so!” That belief in Mommy didn’t last long, of course, but I passed on a bit of wisdom while it lasted. 🙂
I agree with Rummuser, when I read blogs about self-improvement… setting goals… making something of our lives..I think, “Been there. Done that.” It’s energizing. As I get older I focus less on goals and more on living more deeply and making a difference in small but powerful ways.
This video of a talk about Sandor Teszler is a great example of how life isn’t over even when a person is in his 90’s.
For the transcript click here.
Hi Lori: I think that a lot of people keep their emotions bottled up because they’re trying to keep up an appearance of who they are and they fear that showing negative emotions will destroy that image. It’s harder to keep up appearances when times are tough, because it takes more energy and self-control. I think that by being authentic we fare better both when things are good and when they’re not.
Lori, this post is so incredibly beautiful and the life lesson is so powerful. None of us are perfect. I don’t feel the need to live up to an image, unless the image is of a human being who makes mistakes, says and does dumb things on occasion, and sometimes has bad days. Faking a persona can get tiresome I imagine and as you noted true character will always come through especially when faced with adversity.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Welcome!
Sounds like you have a pattern that is working for you.
Hi Rummuser,
“It took a while but today, I face adversity with the mantra ‘this too shall pass.'” That is a very nice place to be!
Thanks for the Viktor E Frankl quote.
Hi Jean,
“it’s a great way to restore emotional balance.” Yes!
My husband has a saying about dealing with overcoming inner issues and grief, “When the tears come, then comes the healing.”
Hi Marelisa,
Your comment made me thinks of this cartoon. Yes, faking requires too much effort and energy:
Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.
You’ve shared a great story!! I think it’s best to be authentic on who you are. When you fake it, the walls are going to crumble one day and others will see through you.
In terms of emotions, I’m with you in agreeing that there are so many people out there who choose to mask their feelings. Just don’t rock the boat is how they are living their lives by. Keeping up to outward appearances for them is key. Yet, I can plainly see how fragile they actually are.
Lori,
Great story and insight.
Handling adversity can be a true test of your inner balance.
This is why I find practicing daily meditation to be so beneficial. Like any thing that is a practice, it is an ongoing process. For me personally, there are times where I do not feel the direct benefits of meditation, and then there are times, especially in times of stress or adversity, when i am thankful that I have tools to help keep me centered and balanced. It all comes down to my truth and being conscious of my thoughts, feelings, and actions. Quite a challenge!
Often keeping up the facade isn’t just about not letting others see who we really are, it’s about not wanting to feel emotions we label as negative. The problem is that we can’t pick and choose which emotions to allow ourselves to feel. When you shut off negative emotions you shut off the positive as well. When you stuff the pain in an attempt to avoid feeling it, you also shut yourself off from feeling joy. What results is a state of disassociation…from who you really are, from the people in your life, from all of the rich experiences life has to offer.
Living fully and expressing ourselves authentically is about being present to all that life has to offer…the joys and the sorrows.
Hi Evelyn,
Some of the “toughest” people I know are actually the most fragile on the inside. Masking takes so much energy, and it’s usually just delaying inner health and well-being.
Hi Adam,
Yes, quite a challenge. I’m glad you have found some grounding in meditation. I once heard a chest-beating kind of guy claim, “I eat stress for breakfast!” I loved his enthusiasm, but rather doubt it was truly a breakfast of champions. Your meditation seems like a better idea!
Hi Lisa,
Thanks for commenting!
I agree we are healthier when we face life fully, not running from or burying negative emotions. I used to think all anger was bad, but am moving to a saner understanding of it and all my emotions.
I grew up believing that adversity never existed, because I was never exposed to it. I led a pretty sheltered life. So, I never pushed through challenges. I simply walked away. Now I push through challenges, and I deal with adversity quickly and honestly. But it was a long time teaching myself to do that, and sometimes I still have to psyche myself up.
Hmm…I want to know what happened to the maid who deliberately tested and poked and angered the housewife. Did she maintain her good reputation? It is easy to cling to a story such as this, but how does it translate?
Hi Urban Panther,
No adversity in the early years? It must have been a shock the first time you faced a big in-your-face moment. You sure seem to be a person who can face it with a strong heart now!
Hi RB,
Thanks for commenting and welcome!
I assume the maid was simply a device of the story or lesson to reveal the woman’s character and to ask us to examine our own. What does it all mean? I’d go with one of these: “Adversity leads us to think properly of our state, and so is most beneficial to us,” ~ Samuel Johnson, or ““Life’s blows cannot break a person whose spirit is warmed at the fire of enthusiasm,” ~ Norman Vincent Peale. And from the Bible, “I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content,” ~ the Apostle Paul.
Hey, I’m not saying I’m there yet, but I’m moving in that direction.