Graciousness doesn’t fit into a box
Jan 19th, 2009 by spaceagesage
Graciousness is more than knowing a set rules from a book of manners; it’s about heart and compassion.
I first learned this with a story I read in grade school. I think it was part of a reading and comprehension test in the 60s, and online sources say it was contributed by Cori Connors to Guideposts in March 1997. The story is told by a woman named Lizzy whose father was generous and kind, known to invite wandering hobos in for a meal. One night her father invited in a man named Henry, who spoke little English. Here the rest of the story:
“When dinner was ready Henry stood until we were all seated, then gently perched on the edge of his chair, his head bowed and his hat in his lap. The blessing was said and dishes were passed from hand to hand.
“We all waited, as was proper, for our guest to take the first bite. Henry must have been so hungry he didn’t notice us watching him as he grabbed his knife. Carefully he slid the blade into the pile of peas before him, and then lifted a quivering row to his mouth without spilling a single pea. He was eating with his knife! I looked at my sister May and we covered our mouths to muffle our snickers. Henry took another knife full, and then another.
“My father, taking note of the glances we were exchanging, firmly set down his fork. He looked me in the eye, then took his knife and thrust it into the peas on his plate. Most of them fell off as he attempted to lift them to his mouth, but he continued until all the peas were gone.
“Dad never did use his fork that evening, because Henry didn’t. It was one of my father’s silent lessons in acceptance. He understood the need for this man to maintain his dignity, to feel comfortable in a strange place with people of different customs. Even at my young age I understood the greatness of my father’s simple act …”
Coming from a family where eating peas with a knife would have been outrageous bad manners, I marveled at this thought:
Breaking the rules can be way to show kindness.
As I spanned the years into adulthood, I realized graciousness:
- Is more about compassion than demonstrating decorum
- Is better explained by Do no harm rather than Be correct
- Comes from a heart willing to go the extra mile instead of feel entitled
Gracious people have a different perspective on life. They embody gentleness of spirit and strength of character, able to balance healthy self respect with the ability to sacrifice ego so they can provide comfort to others.
Gracious people are are soft caring words to a battered soul and strong comfort to heavy hearts:
- They give up their seat or place in line to their elders or to others in more need.
- They understand that you cannot honor one person by dishonoring another, such as the smear campaigns of political opposition.
- The most gracious people I know notice the little things — not to be nosy, but because they are less self absorbed.
- They realize hospitality is an ever open door or a ready invitation to conversation over coffee.
- They can give a smile, a hug, or a warm hello because it comes from a positive place of joy in their hearts.
I’ve always appreciated gracious people. It’s hard to be one, though. It is a goal I’m still striving to attain.
Was there a time in your life when an act of graciousness affected you profoundly?
Have you ever been successful at being gracious to the truly ungracious?
Photo credit: speech path girl
Hi Lori: I love this story. I think you’re right, graciousness is about reacting appropriately to the moment, even if it means “breaking the rules”. It’s certainly a lot more gracious to make someone feel at ease and welcome in your home than it is to insist on rigid dictates of decorum.
Lori,
This is wonderful and so true. I think we often forget graciousness – especially when angry, wounded or hurt. Good to keep in mind. It’s about maintaining our self, our honor and our standards when faced with the decision to welcome or exclude someone for anything.
This is just a beautiful story and right on! An exercise in Creative Loving!
One place I am always trying to be gracious is when I pass people on the streets around where I live. I often go on walks, so when I pass people I try to say ‘hello.’ I know I love when people greet me. So, I try to greet others knowing it’s probably as pleasant for them as it is for me.
[…] This beautiful story of graciousness is about a man, who upon seeing a guest at his table eating peas with a knife, also eats peas so as not to make the guest feel badly. […]
Hi Lori. I enjoyed this story. Just noticing another person, I mean, really seeing them and making that connection is important. I’ve been noticing that when I open myself to notice people, they also take notice — they come out of their mind. As I’ve been out walking over the last few weeks I’ve practiced this. It makes a difference. There is a freer flow of energy and people are more welcome to each other. Lots more smiles as our eyes connect.
Hi Marelisa,
Making someone feel at ease is an art, isn’t it? I wish more would aspire to it. It lightens everyone’s load.
Hi RB,
Balancing boundary setting and graciouness is tough. Love thy enemy requires God’s power of love in the mix, not so much ours.
Hi Michael,
Thanks Michael. Thanks, too for the link love at your site!
Hi Bamboo Forest,
Extending your heart in your words and smile is very gracious. Many of us are rush, rush, rush. I think it’s wonderful you take the time to greet others.
Hi Davina,
I know when I get past myself (or over myself — ha!), I find those connections jumping into my sight with ease.
NOTE TO ALL: A great story of a man who said Hello to everyone in his path for a month is found at the Readers Digest website, (link below). Highly recommend it!
http://tinyurl.com/89c9ku
On the other hand, some people feel it’s intrusive to notice them too much. I was surprised to hear this, but I try to be sensitive about smiling and saying hello to strangers. It’s important to go gently and tune into body language.
John McCain is one of the most gracious people I’ve seen. He makes me proud to be an American. And even though I didn’t like George Bush’s policies, he did a great job in the transition.
Hi Jean,
True, you can overwhelm the more timid with effusive good cheer, but I think graciousness can make that even work into something good. My husband can overstep normal bounds, such as talking in an elevator of strangers, but he still gets everyone to laugh.
I’ve seen both men be very gracious. I thought it was so wise, gracious, and mature of Bush to give the transition the best and smoothest ride. We the People can learn from this. Even bitter enemies can find common ground and the common good.
SpaceAgeSage, thanks for sharing this beautiful story. I am going to print it out and put your article in with a card to a very gracious friend of mine that I want to say Thank You to. This friend is such an inspiration in graciousness for me. I want her to know it.
Frankly I would not be able to say if I am gracious or not but I try to be gentle in all my relationships. On the other hand, I have come across many individuals who were gracious in all that they did and said. I suppose that some of that must have rubbed off on the people who came in touch with them, including me!
Hi Patricia,
Welcome! Thanks for commenting.
Your idea of giving the story to a friend warms my heart. Thanks for letting me know.
Hi Rummuser,
I’m sure it did rub off on you or you wouldn’t bother trying to be gentle in all your relationships!
Was there a time in your life when an act of graciousness affected you profoundly? – 28 years old, 3 small children, and I left my husband. The small town I was living in ‘determined’ that I had been having an affair. As a matter of fact, with two men! Uh-huh. My wee little girls were taking dance lessons. The owner of the dance studio, took me aside, told me she knew what it was like to face a break up as a young mother. She offered to have the girls continue in dance for free until I got my feet under me.
Have you ever been successful at being gracious to the truly ungracious? – my son went through a very black period as a teenager (he still is in a bad spot, but it’s more shades of grey than black now). Any gift (birthday, Christmas, just because) was received with a sneer of contempt. I simply continued treating him as if he was grateful. Now, at age 21, he is extremely grateful of any gifts or help he receives, and he has no problem expressing that to me.
Hi Urban Panther,
The dance studio owner’s empathy helped fuel her gracious offer. I think being able to put yourself in other people’s shoes is a big part of graciousness.
It’s hard enough to raise a teenager, but to also deal with his contempt graciously — wow, that was something! I’m happy to read it helped turn him around. The 20s seem a lot saner for most rebels. Thank goodness they follow the teen years!
What a beautiful post! I loved everything about this post because it’s these truths that I try to live my life by. Graciousness or what I like to call the gift of grace, is a beautiful thing. It is acts of grace, that have been given to me nurmerous times(and still experience now), that have brought me to where I am now.
I am not sure how I found myself here at your blog but I sure am glad that I did. I have read some of your other posts and they were a delight to read also. I love to read things that make me think, that challange me to be a better person or affirm what I already know and believe. Thank you for sharing all these beautiful thoughts. I am sure I will be back to read more soon! Lori
Connections are strange. I just read a post, Small Gestures of Love, by Lance of the Jungle of Life and then clicked on your site from your comment on his. These two posts fit so perfectly for me.
I am working at both; doing small acts of kindness and being more gracious in my life. The more I do these things, the more I find it easier to be gracious to the ungracious and kind to the unkind.
It is a work in progress.
Hi Lori,
Thank you! and welcome.
Grace is indeed a beautiful thing.
Hi Sara,
Yes, we are all works in progress. It’s a big club!
Lance has a wonderful heart and his digital impact always leaves the world a better place.
Hi-
I loved your words and ideas about Graciousness and am honored to have the story about my Grandfather be used. I pray his graciousness has sifted into my own life.
Hi Cori,
Welcome and thanks for commenting!
I’m sure your grandfather’s example has helped mold in more ways than you know. That story about him is powerful!